Please kindly assess my task 2 writing - part-time job

[rinriera]

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing so ?

In modern days, parents encourage their children to get part-time job in their spare time. There are advantages and disadvantages to children of having part-time job.

Doing part-time job means working. Children that used to work from young age will turn into a hardworking person. They know how to put some effort and give their best to their work. It gives them a boost when doing school activities or projects. By working, children get to know that money-making is a serious issue. This will help them to learn the value of money and not wasting their parent's money. In addition, having part-time job means children get to know more skills such as washing dishes and cleaning tables. On top of that, they will experience new feelings too. For instance, happiness when get paid and anxious when complained by customer.

However, children who have job may devalue school and learning process. They think they can earn money without studying, thus immerse themselves in their part-time job. This can develop them to a greedy person that never feels grateful with the sum they earn. They get focused on how to make more money even at school. In the worst possible case, they may drop out of the school and choose to work instead. It is tough to keep up work and studies going on at the same time.

To conclude, working is a good way to expand children's world. Despite that, parents should give advice to help children manage their time on both studies and job.

(254 words)

[Evgenii Rodin]

Can you compare the given sentence and the task sentence with your own introduction yourself?
Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. vs In modern days, parents encourage their children to get part-time job in their spare time.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing so ? vs There are advantages and disadvantages to children of having part-time job.

Your body-part paragraphs and your conclusion, though imperfect, look much better than the intro, which makes me think that you did not write the whole essay on your own.

[rinriera]

to Evgenii Rodin,

I wrote all parts by myself. I constantly check my grammar when i wrote this essay.
I admit that I did not pay too much attention for the first paragraph, thanks for pointing it out

[Cliff.IELTS.Examiner]

This is a very straightforward question and you would be lucky to get one this easy in the IELTS general writing test. You have answered it well. In terms of task response, all parts of the question are addressed, and you extend and support your ideas. One or two of your arguments are not convincing. For example that working might make students greedy. That one seems a little weak to me. On the whole your arguments in favour of part time work are a little stronger than against.

In terms of Coherence and Cohesion, it logically organised, and there is a clear progression. Paragraph structure is good.

Lexical resources your language is adequate and appropriate. But don't see many uncommon words "immerse" is one. There are also some inappropriate word formations "anxious" instead of "anxiety" for example.

Grammar is good, some errors, but they don't interfere with meaning. There are also many of them. At first, I thought you might get band 5 for grammar, because the first sentences were all simple. “Limited and rather repetitive” according to the band descriptor. But then some more variety appeared.

Work on increasing vocabulary and eliminating grammar errors.

[Flick]

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing so ?

Nowadays, parents encourage their children to get a part-time job in their spare time. There are advantages and disadvantages to having part-time job.

Having a part-time job means working. Children that work from a young age will turn into a hardworking adult. They know how to put in effort and give their best to their work. It gives them a boost when doing school activities or projects. By working, children learn that money-making is a serious issue. This will help them to learn the value of money and not waste their parent's money. In addition, having a part-time job means children get to learn more skills such as washing dishes and cleaning tables. On top of that, they will experience new feelings, too. For instance, happiness when they get paid and anxious when complained about by a customer.

However, children who have a job may devalue school and the learning process. They think they can earn money without studying, thus immerse themselves in their part-time job. This can lead them to becoming a greedy person that never feels grateful for the sum they earn. They get focused on how to make more money, even at school. In the worst possible case, they may drop out of school and choose to work instead. It is tough to keep up work and study at the same time.

To conclude, working is a good way to expand a child's world. Despite that, parents should give advice to help children manage their time on both studies and work.

(254 words)