Kindly asses my task 2 essay about youth crime (looking for band 7 )

[raghadmamd]

In recent years, there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities.

What has caused this? What solutions can you suggest?


In recent decades, it was noticed that crime committed by young people has been considerably increased. This is mainly in major cities.This problem has many reasons and consequences.In this essay, I will explore the reasons for this urgent problem trying to reach effective solutions.

One of the principle causes is a lack of parents supervision, as it is familiar now to see families with both parents are full-time working so children are brought up by housemaids. This ultimately leads to significant poor moral in youth, which can cause many problems. For example, increase drugs and alcohol abuse is recently obvious between teenagers. It is common scene now in large cities to see them fighting outdoors of clubs under the influence of drugs. Another consequence for fading parents role is rising connection between youngsters and violent heroes on mass media.These all factors have a dramatic change in youth behaviour and attitude.

There are varieties of ways in order to cut down the level of this dangerous phenomenon.Mainly, emphasis on guardian role to have clear communication between parents and their siblings.They also have to observe what their children are following on media. The government has a major role by controlling the amount of violence delivered daily to our home television and strict laws regarding drug dealers.

To sum up, Increasing crime in youth is a growing problem due to decrease parents supervision, and increase drug abuse. It is combined responsibility of both the family and the goverment to tackle this problem.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - very good!

First main paragraph - I think your basic idea is good, but I'm not sure about the housemaids aspect. Are most kids brought up by them? Why would this cause problems? Then you jump from housemaids to media celebrities. Not good coherence!

Second main paragraph - 'their siblings' is not clear - children's siblings or parents' siblings? How can the parents monitor what their children follow on the media? Again, your points may be good/correct but are not sufficiently explained.

Overall, I would say this is mediocre. Lack of development and lack of precision in vocabulary use are the main issues.

All the best,
David

[raghadmamd]

Appreciate your efforts , Your are doing Great job , Many thanks