Please review my essay, examiner and friends ! Thank you!
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Essay title: In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it ?
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Many countries are facing a problem which is the fact that university graduates are unemployed. In my opinion, I believe the reason is that many companies are searching for experienced worker, and to solve this, authorities in universities or government can make a connection to different cooperations for graduates to work. This essay will be discussed in this order.
To begin with, it is obvious that firms seek an adept person to help them. By doing this, the skillful employees can boost up the efficiency as well as the financial status. To illustrate, a recent research conducted by university of New Castle, Australia has reported that about 95% of companies are accelerated in terms of working processes and annual revenues. Thus, this is the prime factor that employers want an experienced worker.
On the other hand, nevertheless that unemployment poses a pressing issue for the graduates, a principle of universities or a politician can sign a contract, which includes terms and conditions, to decrease the rate of unemployment. If this is done, many firms would feel safe to accept these people who own a degree. Steven, who is my friend, have recently graduated from Monash university, which has made a commitment with many companies, allowed my friend to enter into a renowned cooperation, SONY. Hence, this can greatly benefit not only for the student, but also the reputation of the university.
In conclusion, this essay mentioned about the main criteria of virtually what employers want, but with the trust that authorities, such as a principal, can provide to companies, they will be willing to accept new enthusiastic employers. (268) Words
Question from British Council - Highly qualified graduates without employment
Question from British Council - Highly qualified graduates without employment
Last edited by Herwinnnn on Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
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Re: Question from British Council - Highly qualified graduates without employment
Hello!
Introduction - Good.
First main paragraph - 'the financial status' - Do you mean 'of the company'? 'are accelerated'? Then you switch from 'skillful' to 'experienced'. These are not exactly the same.
Second main paragraph - 'a principle'? 'contract'? I think the main point of the question is that we have this situation despite such programmes. I mean, these programmes are not new at all.
Conclusion - Ah! Be careful with 'principle' and 'principal'!
Overall, key words and phrases are poorly used, making the essay quite hard to understand in places. Points are not clearly developed and/or not exactly used to answer the question.
All the best,
David
Introduction - Good.
First main paragraph - 'the financial status' - Do you mean 'of the company'? 'are accelerated'? Then you switch from 'skillful' to 'experienced'. These are not exactly the same.
Second main paragraph - 'a principle'? 'contract'? I think the main point of the question is that we have this situation despite such programmes. I mean, these programmes are not new at all.
Conclusion - Ah! Be careful with 'principle' and 'principal'!
Overall, key words and phrases are poorly used, making the essay quite hard to understand in places. Points are not clearly developed and/or not exactly used to answer the question.
All the best,
David