Another passage, please assess it too. Many thanks.

[NewAgeEnglish]

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world.
Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

If you travel a lot, chances are you will find same products in shops all over the world. This brings people to the wake of a startling impression that countries are becoming so similar to each other. While some people regard this trend a threat to our global diversity, I firmly believe the merits exceed drawbacks immensely.

A prominent fact that supports this claim is that this trend greatly boosted people’s accessibility to lots of reliable or novelty products. For example, so many tried-and-proven traditionally remedies from corners of the world are available in big cities today, just as the western medications are treating patients in remote tribes. It is obvious that instead of one of them eliminated by the other, both local remedies and modern medications are expanding their market. It is safe to say the same about technology, entertainment and many other industries. As a result, consumers are given great accessibility to good products all over the world.

Another positive result of this trend is that it encourages or forces businesses to thrive. Firstly, it motivates them. For good products and business models, the potential market is vast. Secondly, through intensified competition, the trend injects businesses with an eagerness to be creative, industrious, and sincere. The result is not quite as people assumed that international monopolies maliciously compete with local small businesses until the latter fail. The reality is there are more start-ups than ever before, and some of them even swiftly become extremely successful.

To sum up, from what is happening globally, it is clear that both costumers and businesses are positively affected by the trend. Although it seems have made the world more monochromatic, it is not hard to find the positive outcomes are far more significant. It is expected that this trend will continuously benefit the world.

Word count: 302

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - 'to the wake of a startling impression'?

First main paragraph - 'reliable or novelty products'? An interesting combination! However, I think the general point is good.

Second main paragraph - I agree, but I don't see how it relates to the question. Do you mean that small businesses can provide niche products? If so, does that mean that people are not buying the same products?

Overall, Whilst I like the points, I cannot really see that you have fully answered the question. Ideas are not clearly developed and might even demonstrate that your conclusion is wrong!

Make sure that you use words/phrases correctly and precisely. Poor vocabulary can create problems for the reader, reducing your score.

All the best,
David

[NewAgeEnglish]

Thank you so much, David.

Will this improve the second main paragraph?
Delete the last few sentences of the second main paragraph, from 'the result'....to the end.
Then draw a conclusion instead.
'Therefore, this trend also benefits the world by strengthen the businesses. This is another main reason supporting the claim that it is a positive development.'

Many thanks,