GIVE A FEEDBACK TO MY TASK 2

[Doni Nacho]

Education is the single most important factor in the development of a country.Do you agree or disagree.
Nowadays some may hold opinion that education is the single vitally important factor in the development of a country.As far as I am concerned I partially agree with this statement because obviously education is not a single way which can lead us for economic growth in a country.In the following paragraphs I will try to explain my position more clearly.
First let me describe the role of education for ones life.Nowadays people spend a tremendous amount of time in obtaining a good satisfactory position in education and willing to allocate a portion to economic growth in a country.Take the co -founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg for instane.Any time he is inquired about the secret of his prosperity he repeatedly replies that it us irresistible knowledge in Computer Programming that has drivenhim all this time.His invention of online communication now become more prevalent as well as regarded as the most essential factor in the development of a country.
I totally agree the point of view that education is so important that students must be pushed as hard as possible to achieve their best.I just feel a more rounded education would produce a better individual.We must remember that country would benefit more from a more vocationally based education.
Last but not least I wish to say that even education is the most common factor in the development of a country I most gravitate to not limit our research only by this factor.We need to persevere to find a new factors which helpss ys to develop our country.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni!

Introduction - Very good!

First main paragraph - 'good satisfactory'? 'willing to allocate a portion'? Why is Facebook the most important factor in economic growth and how do you therefore explain the growth of China where Facebook is banned?

Second main paragraph - Very hard to understand what you mean here. The paragraph is clearly undeveloped.

Conclusion - 'not limit our research'?

Overall, I have a hard time understanding this essay. A lot of vocabulary is used inaccurately or unclearly. Points are not clearly developed and may not even be true.

All the best,
David