Hi Ryan can you please check my essay

[Raj]

These days in many countries various governments have been increasing retirement age. What do you think increasing this age is good or bad?

Nowadays, there is a different superannuation age in various countries and it is a paradoxical debate that what should be the ideal retirement age. It is argued that government should not increase existing retirement age. This essay will analyse how longevity of service for senior workers limit career opportunities for younger generations and further reduces quality of work.

To begin with, increasing retirement age creates a major hindrance for the younger generations getting suitable jobs, which is not a growth oriented strategy. For example, in India after different states government have increased this age, there are less career options for young skilled workers. Moreover, younger generations are finding it more difficult to get a job due to global recession and lack of experience on their part. Thus, it is clear that increasing retirement age is a major obstacle in newer generations growth, so government should not increase this age.

Furthermore, due to the reduction of physical capacity and various health problems, older worker provides less quality output which is economically less viable. To illustrate this, in Australia due to longer service many employees have been suffering from Occupational Overuse Syndrome (OOS). These health issues and reduction in physical power of older workers are major factors leading to less performance. However, younger employees are more stimulated and physically empowered; hence, they should be provided more chances. So authorities should maintain status quo while reviewing employment terms.

To sum up, above shows that increased retirement age shorten employment chances for young adults and reduces production output. Hence, increasing this limit is not a palpable logic; thus, it is believed that in the foreseeable future more states will maintain the current retirement age for its workers.

[Tina]

Please take my criticism positively .

I think using paradoxical debate , palpable logic etc are not appropriate connective words. I noticed lot of grammatical mistakes . Structure of writing is good .

I would like to ask you , if we have to write it as an argument topic or needs to discuss both the views . I am not very clear and I haven't listen to all the videos of Ryan yet .

R u staying in India ? When is your exam ? Mine is on 21 sept . I passed other modules with 8 in each and failed writing with 6 . Hence I am focussing on writing . I want 7 in each .

[Ryan]

These days in many countries various governments have been increasing retirement age. What do you think increasing this age is good or bad?

Nowadays, there is a different superannuation age in various countries and it is a paradoxical debate that what should be the ideal retirement age. It is argued that government should not increase this age existing retirement age. This essay will analyse how longevity of service for senior workers limit career opportunities for younger generations and further reduces quality of work.

To begin with, increasing retirement age creates a major hindrance for the younger generations getting suitable jobs, which is not a growth oriented strategy. For example, in India after different states government have increased this age, there are less career options for young skilled workers. Moreover, younger generations are finding it more difficult to get a job due to global recession and lack of experience on their part. Thus, it is clear that increasing retirement age is a major obstacle in newer generations growth, so government should not increase this age.

Furthermore, due to the reduction of physical capacity and various health problems, older worker provides less quality output which is economically less viable. To illustrate this, in Australia due to longer service many employees have been suffering from Occupational Overuse Syndrome (OOS). These health issues and reduction in physical power of older workers are major factors leading to less performance. However, younger employees are more stimulated and physically empowered; hence, they should be provided more chances. So authorities should maintain status quo while reviewing employment terms.

To sum up, above shows that increased retirement age shorten employment chances for young adults and reduces production output. Hence, increasing this limit is not a palpable logic; thus, it is believed that in the foreseeable future more states will maintain the current retirement age for its workers.

Hi Raj,

Your writing contains several awkwardly worded sentences and inaccurate vocabulary, and this unfortunately causes incoherence at times. The first sentence in the essay, "Nowadays, there is a different superannuation age in various countries and it is a paradoxical debate that what should be the ideal retirement age.", starts well but becomes almost incoherent by the end. Simplify these sorts of sentences: "The current discussion over increasing the age at which people retire is often heated."

The thesis is not clear. "It is argued that government should not increase this age existing retirement age." is not a coherent sentence. It should read, "It is argued that governments should not increase the age at which people retire."

Your first supporting paragraph shares two examples but does not offer any discussion of these examples. Sharing examples and instantly drawing conclusions is poor form. You need to demonstrate the ability to reason in this part of the essay. (I know that you are capable of doing this because your second paragraph is much healthier.)

There are several instances of missing articles and issues with plurals.

Cohesion is quite developed. I even see signs of solid cohesion at the essay level. I think this is your strong point.

All in all, your main issues are grammar and an overly ambitious attempt at using lexical resources that you do completely understand. The first thing you need to do is become coherent. To do this, you need to shorten your sentences and tone down the use of academic vocabulary (because you are using it inaccurately). If we can master this simplistic base, you can grow your writing further. There is no point in writing long, complex sentences if they cannot be understood by your examiner.

I think you could achieve band 6 with this essay.

Good luck,
Ryan