Hi! Can you please asses my writing :)Thank you!

[Mislav11]

Illiteracy has traditionally been viewed as largely a third world problem.
However it is becoming apparent that in countries such as the USA and Australia, illiteracy is on the increase.
Discuss possible causes for this and its effect on society.

One of the major issues concerning , so far, mostly undeveloped parts of the world is illiteracy which have began to overtake on developed parts as well , regarding the USA and Australia. There might be different precursors for such an event,yet certainly the two most effective are of an economic and social kind.

First of all, in the last 3 decades we have witnessed the great rise of unemployment in countries which have always been perceived as countries of opulence. Since unemployment is the catalyst to various problems , such as crime, hunger,and loss of properties, it also has a great impact on the increasing level of illiteracy. For instance, if one happened to be out of work, he is obliged to redefine his priorities in order to survive , where the necessity for being literate drops to the bottom of priority scale.Therefore, the increase of illiteracy is strongly correlated with the rise of unemployment, which contributes to declined productivity and prosperity of one country due to decreased number of educated individuals. Although, unemployment is one of the main causes it is not the sole determining factor.

Another reason causing the drop in number of literate people is of a social nature ,regarding parenting. Whether the parents are employed or not, they should provide support and stimulation to their child, to help them improve and acquire a certain level level of literacy. There are a significant amount of cases wherein parents do not spend ample time with their children, working on their comprehension of the importance of being educated and literate. Therefore , children in the absence of parents’ company get distracted and lose the will for important things such as reading books or attending school classes ,which can eventually result in expulsion from school. Consequently this contributes to a progressive rise of illiteracy ,also affecting the future due to an increased number of illiterate parents.

Finally , the lack of financial assets which occur due to a progressive rise in unemployment ,and a lack of parental supervision over children in developed areas of the world, will deepen the level of illiteracy which will have a detrimental effect on the overall prosperity in society.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

First main paragraph - Unemployment and illiteracy are not as closely connected as you claim.

The main argument in the second paragraph seems more reasonable, but is not clearly explained. Once again, we can see how the use of definitive language (i.e. the assertion that one event inevitably always leads to another event) makes points less clear because the connection between the events is not always so defined.

Increased use of modals and adverbs would negate this problem.

All the best,
David

[monir301]

I would like to share some ideas with you ...

First of all, some parents have no urge to send their children school. Secondly, exam style is quite difficult, for example in usa SAT is almost required to get the chance in Undergraduate school. Therefore, students have much disinterest to pass this type of exam. Along with, some teenagers think it would better to improve skills other ways rather than study.