please give honest comment on areas of improvement

[krish8286]

Some people thinks placing advertisements in schools is a great resource for public schools that need additional funding but other thinks it exploits children by treating them as a captive audience for corporate sponsors. Choose which position you must agree with and discuss why you choose that position. Support your point of view with details from your own experiences , observations or reading.


A common trend today is that government schools allow certain products to be advertised within school premises as it is an extra source of income for them, and this could could be used to meet their various expenditures. However, it is believed that although there are certain positives of this practice the negative impact of this outweighs the benefits, and therefore advertising within school should not be supported. Both sides will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.


To begin with, there are obvious advantages of permitting adverts within school premises. In Nepal, For instance, corporate giants like Unilever and Coca-cola, are allowed to display their products with educational messages like “wash hands and stay healthy “ and " keep the environment clean" with in government schools. As most of the children studying in state schools come from impoverished backgrounds, they are very less knowledgeable about personal hygiene and environmental issues . Educational adverts such as this not only pays schools as per their contractual agreement, but also educate students regarding the significance of personal hygiene and clean environment . Thus, there are dual benefits of letting corporations use schools' space for adverts.


On the other hand , there are few clear negatives of advertising products within school perimeter . Firstly, children are often enticed by the flashy sign boards and they force their parents to buy these products even if they are useless to them. In America, for example ,toy makers are not allowed to market, display or promote any toy products with in 1km radius of any elementary schools. This is due to the fact that schools and its neighborhood are the places where these toy companies could target children easily in groups , and generate huge sales. Furthermore, if parents refuse to buy these products, they may even get involved in criminal activities like petty theft or shop lifting to fulfill their needs, and this could even lead them to jeopardize their careers. Therefore, the argument that schools should disallow adverting within their premises holds merit.

To conclude, although adverts with in schools boundaries may have some positive result, I strongly condemn that it has more negative effects. Therefore , schools must monitor closely any such promotional activities and try to keep them at bay for the betterment of their pupils. It is hoped that most educational organizations will embrace this trend in the foreseeable future.

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[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - Very good apart from the last sentence which is now so overused.

First main paragraph - The points are not convincing. Believe me, many poor families know about personal hygiene. As for knowledge about environmental issues, that's a whole massive debate right there. I mean, you might wonder about 'environmental awareness' when some of the world's leading environmentalists - supposedly educated people - travel so often by air.

Second main paragraph - Good points, developed with good vocabulary.

Overall, I would suggest rewriting the first main paragraph to make this a good essay.

All the best,
David