Essay 2 **criminal record should be removed** Please help

[JamalOZ]

Some people believe that a person’s criminal record should be removed when they reach the age of 18.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Criminal records deletion has been a subject of studies for several years and especially when those records concern teenagers. Some people believe that young people’s criminal records should be deleted when they reach the age of 18 and others refute it. It is agreed that youth may make some mistakes and should not keep paying the price of their mistake once they become adults. And everyone should have the right to a second chance in case of good behaviour. Those two last points will be discussed and analysed in this essay.

Firstly, everyone can make mistakes and especially at a younger age. Indeed, we all make some mistakes and few of us make some big ones. For example, it may happen that a young person can commit stupid mistakes such as stealing or hurting someone during a fight. It is clear that those irresponsible actions are due to a lack of maturity and experience in life. For this specific reason, it is clear that the criminal records resulting from those mistakes should not be kept after the age of 18.

Furthermore, people should have the right to a second chance or redemption. This is even more valid in case of a good behaviour shown by the concerned person and in case signs of responsibility from the person. For instance, a famous French entrepreneur who build a brand of over 10 Millions of Euros has spent 2 years in jail while being a teenager. After analysing those facts, it is obvious that criminal records should be deleted when young people reach the age of 18.

Following the analysis of the irresponsibility of young people as well as the right to a second chance, it has been proven that the mistakes made by young people should be forgiven when they become adults. It is expected that in the future this will be the case in the majority of countries in the world.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a very good essay. Very few grammar mistakes. A wide range of structures. Good vocabulary. I think that at least a little look at why some records might be kept would improve the essay.

Well done!
David

[JamalOZ]

Hi David,
Thanks for your feedback. I'm stuck at 6.5 and can't reach 7. It seems that the grammar is my main weakness.
Could you please kindly point out some of the grammar mistakes?
Many thanks for your help.
Jamal