@@please ASSESS MY WRITING

[maianh]

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computer technology. It is used in business, crime detection and even to fly planes. Is this dependence on technology a good thing or should we be suspicious of its benefits?


The twenty-first century saw the rise of technological gadgets from a dream to a commonplace occurrence. Therefore, the question as to whether “high-tech’’ is always an absolute boon for us to approach everything we need or not is inevitably a hot debate. From my personal point of view, I am strongly convinced that although advancement in technology has promoted human’s living standards, it is impossible to deny some of the detrimental impacts it has exerted, which will be discussed as follows.

Initially, industrial science has undoubtedly changed the way human being live, in a way that it has become a crucial part of our daily life. Many people are, for instance, inextricably attached to the digital screen in their work and even in daily life. Such social networking sites as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, prove their paramount role in updating information, contacting with others, promoting plus entertaining. Therefore, it is hard to imagine how the masses population would react if there were no longer Internet, intelligent devices and automated appliances.

However, so indulged are the high-tech lovers in the omnipresence of electric gadgets that many of them have started to adopt an unhealthy lifestyle. To illustrate, the year 2005 in Vietnam experienced more than 260 cases of mental disorder as computer addicts spent at least 20 hours a day in the Internet shop. Therefore, it should be borne in mind that the aim of high technology is to help us with our work and study, not to make our deficiency the most singular failure of the modern information age.

To sum up, although new advances in technology facilitate our everyday activity, we should be aware of the way we use it. That way should be to cultivate our knowledge and wisdom, not to make us a fool.
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[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I don't think that you have really answered the question in more than a passing way. Two key question phrases are 'dependence on technology' and 'suspicious of its benefits'.

The example of the 260 Vietnamese is unclear. The key question is whether they would have had mental issues anyway. Other important questions surround the inability of society to deal with these individuals.

The level of vocabulary and grammar is suspiciously high.

All the best,
David