Please assess my essay Task 2

[mkhitaryan]

Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people?
Support your opinion with reasons and examples from your own knowledge and experience.



Today, with the development of electronic technologies and progress of media broadcasting, sports have become more popular than ever before. As a result, many athletes are paid lots of attention from young generation. It is agreed, that professional sport players play a positive role in teenagers’ lives. This essay will discuss the reasons to support this claim.
In every single game athletes need to be concentrated and well-motivated to perform well enough to win the match. For example, during Wimbledon championship after the loss of the first two sets the challenger of the tournament was able to recover his positions and win the match. This is a best example for young people to never lose their hope, focus on their goals and work hard to achieve them. Thus, professional athletes, indeed, motivate for paying a lot of effort to be a success.
Furthermore, as popular professional athletes appear very often in media, they can agitate young people to get rid of or stay away from bad habits. By way of illustration, many famous sport players participate in campaigns against smoking. If teenagers see that their idols support healthy life style, it is more probable that many of them will never think about cigarettes. As a result, the good example from athletes will keep the youth away from many dangerous habits.
In conclusion, sport people have significant power to influence young people positively. Their popularity among the youth and dedication towards their work can not only put teenagers on the right track but also become a catalyst for their future success.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a reasonable essay. You answer the question and introduce some good points.

Vocabulary is very good (put ... on the right track) though there are some mistakes (agitate = to make angry or to make a political protest).

Grammar is weak. There are a lot of mistakes and sometimes meaning is not entirely clear - Thus, professional athletes, indeed, motivate for paying a lot of effort to be a success.

All the best,
David

[mkhitaryan]

Thank you very much for the comments. I will continue working to improve my writing skills.