Kindly assess my writing task 2.My target is 7.5 bands in writing.Please highlight important mistakes.

[Dr.Khurram]

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

In this 21st century, computers are part and parcel of our lives. Most of our daily tasks are directly or indirectly dependent on the aid of this advance technology. In my opine, computers and internet are playing very constructive role in this regard by connecting us to rest of the world, with the help of internet, and they are also helping us to diagnose different dreadful diseases, and also serving as an important tool for engineers.
We shouldn’t overlook the fact that this state of the art technology is doing marvelous job for us in many ways. Firstly, our transportation industry , totally depend on the use of computers. Modern aircrafts, high-speed electric trains and even newly introduced electric cars, fully depend upon computer software. Similarly, it is unfair to not mention the role of computers in medicine and engineering. Moreover, in future, the role of computers further broaden in many ways. Firstly with the help of computers, new robots will be manufactured, which not only work in factories but also in our personal dwellings and will make our life more easeful. Secondly, computers will also help us in controlling epidemics. There is already work going on different computer software, which will virtually help us to decode, complete human genome, which will further support us in diagnosing and treating different genetic diseases. Overall, It is clear from aforementioned arguments that it not possible to perform all these complex tasks without aid of computers and our dependency on computers is totally beneficial for us.
However, there is group of people, who believe that we are becoming more and more dependent on computers for our daily tasks, which is harming us in many ways. Take for instance, proponents argue that many manufacturing units in first world countries now use electronic robots, operated by computers in factories, instead of employing workers. This attitude is responsible for unemployment among factory workers. Similarly a large number of the people now spent most of their day, in front of computers, which is responsible for serious health concerns among these workaholic office employees.
To conclude, I reiterate that although there are few disadvantages of our total dependency on computers but its benefits overshadows the negative effects. We should make sure that computers will be used for beneficial purposes in the future and people will also be made aware of negative aspects due to relying too much on this technology.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay. The main improvement would be to spend more time on the second question (note the imbalance in paragraph lengths). Vocabulary and grammar are both very good in terms of range and accuracy.

Well done!

David

[Dr.Khurram]

Thank you so much David. Do you think, this is 7.5 band essay because previously i scored only band 6 in writing and i am very disappointed with my performance.