Please, assign band score Task 2

[mkhitaryan]

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

During many centuries lots of people devoted their lives to become a musician or sports person. However, a few of them have great achievements and become well-known among the others. Most people think that in order to be a success in music or sport, one needs to be talented from birth. In contrast, there are others who insist that any child has a chance to become successful with hard work and motivation. This essay will discuss both these opinions.
There is an old Armenian proverb which says, “Talented people are born once a century”. Many people believe this saying and think that talent is something unique and cannot be earned. They bring an example of Mozart, a genius musician and composer, who played the piano virtuously at the age of 4 while his fellows only started learning simple games. Another popular example is Michael Phelps, an outstanding swimming champion, winner of 18 Olympic gold medals. The proponents of this view are sure that only talents have possibility to succeed that much.
However, there are people who believe that anyone can be trained to be a successful sports person or musician. For example, Serena and Venus Williams are well-known tennis players who achieved many victories by training 12 hours a day since the age of 7. The supporters of this view underline that strong motivation and hard work can bring any child to a professional triumph.
In conclusion, some people think that talents for sport and music are born. Others claim that anyone can be trained to have a success. In my opinion, people should be born talented to achieve high professional results in sport or music. I think that both people with and without talent work very hard to make their dreams come. But, in reality only few of them have invisible and intangible feature, which I call a talent, and which pushes them towards outstanding performance in sport or music.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The key problem is that you have failed to say how you know that Mozart and Phelps had/have natural talent. Bear in mind that Mozart was taught music from an extremely young age by his father - a composer and musician. Phelps is known to have swum a lot since the age of 7 - practice makes perfect? (Note that that example matches almost perfectly with the Williams sisters who you use as an example later!)

Grammar and vocabulary are good, but there is no coherent argument. You give the examples of the Williams sisters, then completely ignore it in the conclusion!

All the best,
David

[mkhitaryan]

Thank you very much for the comments. Next time I will try to make stronger and more suitable arguments.