Writing task 2 : General

[Sid1992]

Hi Guys,
Please evaluate my essay.
Essay topic is

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?




Historically , the nations of high per-capita income often come forward for the upliftment of the poorer countries. During the past decade, we have seen numerous events where poorer nations are often breeding place for terrorism , famine due to unavailability of proper food and education. From the United nations survey , more than 35% of the terrorism arises in nations of poor standards. The developed nation’s aid on Food and Education to the poorer countries are required since it would affect world’s balance as a whole.

The Food is one of abundant resource for the prosperity to a nation. The unavailability of food makes an individual to deter from the path of a common man often leading to crimes . For instance , When a poor person has to feed his family , he is forced to make decisions for the sake of his dependents even if it leads to stealing or murder. This can be curbed to a large scale if developed nations provide basic food amenities . When a factor leading to crime will diminish greatly , it is apparent on the importance of the developed nations help to the poorer nations in the world.

Another influence is the quality of education .The Education often provides the nation greater chance of improvement both in terms of social and economic standards. This in turn have less possibility for poorer nations ,without the assistance of Wealthy Nations. As an example , when there is no proper education , people are unable to judge between right and wrong . If a terrorist organization can bring educated people into their cause , it wont be long for the poorly educated to fall too. Through these influences , it likely to be seen that developed nations help would be needed for the poorer nations.

Based on these observations its understandable that developed nation’s aid on Food and Education to the poorer countries are explicitly necessary for peace and order in the world . As per my perception it is highly recommended for the wealthy nation to succor the poor nations for the world prosperity .

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

You raise some interesting points. However, they are not developed.

1. 35% of terrorism originates in poorer countries, so 65% doesn't.

2. Food is an interesting issue. The fact is that there is easily enough food for everyone in the world. The problem is getting it to the people who need it. Here there are two main issues - a) war and b) transport infrastructure. Recent events indicate very clearly that foreign intervention in wars is ... well, shall we say 'controversial'? As for transport, is that the responsibility of the national government or foreign governments?

3. Education. This is VERY interesting! a) People cannot judge between right and wrong without education!? Many people, particularly atheists, would argue that we can. Many terrorists actually are highly educated, as you say, so where does that leave your argument?

4. Overall, you fail to explain why wealthier countries can do this job better than poorer countries.

All the best,
David

[Sid1992]

Thanks for your Feedback David!. Maybe , I will have think have to think a lot logically. But I know few of my points will led to arguments , given the time constriction , I think my imagination took control.

[Sid1992]

Hi David,

I would like to get a band of 7. Please let me know your views on the essay grammar ,logical coherence and other stuffs.

[Flick]

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?


Historically, the nations of high per-capita income often come forward for the improvement of poorer countries. During the past decade, we have seen numerous events where poorer nations are often breeding places for terrorism, and famine due to unavailability of proper food and education. From a United Nations survey, more than 35% of terrorism arises in nations of poor standards. Developed nations' aid of food and education to poorer countries is required since it would affect the world’s balance as a whole.(<--What would affect the world's balance? How?)

Food is one of abundant resource for the prosperity to a nation. The unavailability of food makes an individual fall from the path of a common man, often leading to crimes. For instance, when a poor person has to feed his family, he is forced to make decisions for the sake of his dependents even if it leads to stealing or murder. This can be curbed to a large extent if developed nations provide basic food amenities. When a factor leading to crime will diminish greatly, the importance of developed nations' help to the poorer nations in the world becomes apparent.

Another influence is the quality of education. Education often provides the nation greater chance of improvement both in terms of social and economic standards. This, in turn, is more difficult for poorer nations without the assistance of wealthy nations. As an example, when there is no proper education, people are unable to judge between right and wrong. If a terrorist organization can bring educated people into their cause, it wont be long before the poorly educated fall too. Through these influences, it is clear that developed nations' help would be needed for the poorer nations.

Based on these observations, it is understandable that developed nations' aid of food and education to the poorer countries are explicitly necessary for peace and order in the world. As per my perception, it is highly recommended for wealthy nations to succor poor nations for world prosperity.