Please give me suggestions to improve it and give me bands if possible

[s4ielts]

Some people think that it is good for a country’s culture to broadcast foreign films and TV shows. Others, however, think it is best to produce local films and shows. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Electronic media is the most influential media of our time. This is the main reason, most people believe that , a country must have their own movies and TV programs. While others may argue that, to broaden the views of the public and to make them diverse in culture and thinking it is crucial to broadcast movies and TV shows around the world.
In today’s fast pacing world, people are relying on electronic media , whether it is for getting or upgrading their information or adopting new fashions and trends. On the other hand, it teaches us about our culture and history, for which , it is necessary to have our own movies. Furthermore, through it we can learn about our heroes and can tribute them by making biographies on them. In addition, children can learn a lot while watching their favorite local cartoon shows. As these programs are controlled and censored by local authorities ,so chances of misinformation and exploitation are diminished. Moreover, these movies and programs bring revenue and boost economy of that country as well as provide jobs to newcomers.
However, foreign movies, on the other hand, can be very advantageous in many ways. First of all, they bring diversity in culture and help to make this world as a global village .Secondly, people can learn foreign language, through which they will know about the culture and history of the country of their subject language. Thirdly, it will helps them to broaden their perspective and they will have more approaches to a particular problem. Last but not the least, when people will have different opinion and will learn to respect them, it will bring peace and harmony globally and will make this world better place to live in.
Taking all points into consideration , I would reckon that, we should have foreign movies as they can bring a lot of benefits. As far as misinformation and exploitation is concern , we can easily censor them.

(322 words)

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Well, I suppose I have my own bias, but I really cannot see why you think 'local authorities' can be trusted to censor films and TV shows. That point needs developing and explanation. Besides, why do cartoons need censoring?

The rest of the essay makes standard points, but you do not explain how foreign productions can help broaden horizons and educate, yet need to be censored. How does this spread respect for differing opinions?

Grammatical structures are surprisingly limited, mainly as a result of your tendency to make assertions rather than provide arguments or make points about differing situations and people - notice the overuse of 'will'.

Vocabulary appears to be good, but as I mentioned, it is not used to construct a coherent argument.

All the best,
David

[s4ielts]

Thanks David! next time, i will take care of it