writing task 2 : is sport talent or hardworking ?

[alnour]

Hello, this is my response to the following task 2 question:

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss the both these view and give your opinion.

Article:
The reasons of being successful in music and sports arena is a highly controversial issue. Some people think that it is a result of continuous learning while others believe that it is a something you born with.
One of the first arguments that are used to support the first point of view is the huge number of famous players and musicians who graduated from academic institutions established to particularly to educate these skills.
In their opinion, if these are talents and can only be acquired by nature then we should observe a lot of failed graduates which contradicts the reality.
In addition, sports and music nowadays has improved a lot and we know almost all the required skills and information for anyone to build a career in this discipline which make it very easy for us to convey these skills to children without putting any assumptions about the abilities they born with if there are any.
On the other hand, our different physical structure could be used the support the second side. For example, some sports such as volley ball require a minimum height to be able to perform its actions and off course, not all children have this ability due to genetic reasons.
Moreover, we observer that a lot of succeeded people in these two talents seem to be from the same areas which means it is more likely that they belong to the same ethnic groups which increases the probability that there is a correlation their success and their born-with abilities.
In my opinion, I think that being excellent in sports and music depend on the two reasons but with taking the type of music and sport into consideration.
For example, to practice football it is preferable to have a specific structure of body and at the same time you must learn the basic football skills. The same applies for music( i.e. you need to have a flexible hand to be able to play violin). As a result, children who don't have the required abilities can overcome this by hardworking and dedication but to some extent and vice versa.
As a conclusion, success in sports and music is a mixture of talent and learning with different weights defined by the specific sport and music type.

I will take the exam after four days, please provide me with your comments ASAP.
and what do you think the mark of this article will be (which band) ?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The first thing I notice is poor paragraphing. You should have one main point in each paragraph, with supporting evidence and examples.

Secondly, I notice that most of your points are assertions without real evidence, e.g. in volleyball there are 'liberos' who do not need to be tall in order to be competitive.

You say 'taking the type of sport and music into consideration' but then fail to explain that.

I was reading and wondering why I was finding it so hard to understand. Then it hit me! Long sentences! As I have pointed out many times to my students and here on this site, too many long sentences is usually counterproductive. Short ones are often more effective. That's a fact!

All the best,
David

[alnour]

Thank you very much, David.
I will try my best to apply your advise in my next articles.