attmept to IELTS writing 2

[alnour]

ELTS Writing Task 2/ IELTS Essay:

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both of these two views and give your own opinion.
My response:

One of the highly argumentative issues in the just community is whether to specify a constant punishment for each kind of crime or we should take the different crime factors such as motivation into consideration.
Those who support the first side see that making a constant punishment increases the efficiency in time spent before taking the final decision. The reason of this is that judges do not need to investigate the for the different factors. For example, if someone stole a car then he has to be jailed for five years regardless of his personal conditions.
On the other hand, a lot of people think that it is unfair to treat all the criminals the same. Even if the harm on the victim was identical the motivations can differ a lot, for example, someone may kill for the sake of killing or because he was just enjoying the process. If we compare this case with a wife who was treated harshly by her husband for years we can not can not deny the huge differences in their motivations.
For me, I prefer to think of the topic from the main objectives of making a punishment system. I believe that for such a system to be successful, it should forbid the similar expected crimes in the future and treat the criminals in a kind way so that they can join the community as useful persons. So if we do not take the different conditions around the criminal into account we may lose his positive feelings towards the society, i.e. in our last example the wife may feel that she was treated like any serial killer. As a result we may win a new professional criminal instead of a one forced by his environmental conditions.
As a conclusion, Although fixing the type of punishment per crime has its benefits, making it dependent on different circumstances seems more worthwhile.

please provide me with my current band and what I should do to improve it to band 7 if possible,

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I don't understand this bit - it should forbid the similar expected crimes in the future.

In this part - we may win a new professional criminal - I think we should change 'win' to 'get'.

Overall, however, this is quite a good essay. Your points are (almost always) clear and you give good examples. Vocabulary is generally good. Grammar is also good, with a wide range of structures. I suggest that you cut down the length of your sentences - it makes it easier to grasp your points.

Those changes should put you on the road to a high score, but you will need to work on grammatical accuracy too, which will likely take longer.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

ELTS Writing Task 2/ IELTS Essay:

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both of these two views and give your own opinion.
My response:

A highly debated issue in today's society is whether to specify a consistent punishment for each kind of crime or if we should take different factors such as motivation into consideration.

Those who support the first viewpoint state that setting a consistent punishment increases the efficiency in time spent before taking the final decision. The reason for this is that judges do not need to investigate the different factors. For example, if someone stole a car, then he has to be jailed for five years regardless of his personal conditions.

On the other hand, a lot of people think that it is unfair to treat all criminals the same. Even if the harm to the victim was identical, the motivations can differ a lot. For example, someone may kill for the sake of killing or because he was just enjoying the process. If we compare this case with a wife who was abused by her husband for years, we can not can not deny the huge differences in their motivations.

Personally, I prefer to think of the topic from the main objectives of making a punishment system.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) I believe that for such a system to be successful, it should forbid the similar expected crimes in the future(<--I don't understand.) and treat criminals in a kind way so that they can rejoin the community as useful persons. So if we do not take the different conditions around the crime into account, we may create a bigger problem. For example, in the case of the abused wife, she may feel that she was treated like any serial killer. As a result, we may get a new professional criminal instead of a person forced by his environmental conditions to act in a criminal way.

As a conclusion, although fixing the type of punishment per crime has its benefits, making it dependent on different circumstances seems more worthwhile.