Topic: Arts. Target: band 7.5. Pls review and give feedback. Thanks much!

[plin0627]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewere.
To what extent do you agree with this view?

There is a group of people asserts that funding on arts is a waste of money. Instead, the government should spend this money on areas that are more appropriate and important.

The main advantages when the government decided to fund on arts are that such could help preserves the local heritage and cultural beauty that defines themselves from other countries and educates its people the sense of loving, resilience as well as responsibility. One relevant instance would be arts like Aboriginal’s paintings and sculptures. These are those that demonstrate Australia’s differences and unique and that today’s children and even future generations should learn to appreciate and embrace respectively.

Those who argue that this money could be more useful in other sections probably realised that there are other sections or aspects that require greater attention and urgency instead of spending on arts. Such areas include public school education, medical, poverty as well as technology. The government should put more effort and money in these as they should be resolved and improved as soon as possible without hesitation. Yet, if the government refuse to sustain and protect the traditional arts then this country will lost its culture and dignity while many other countries are trying their very best to preserve theirs.

To conclude, giving that supporting on arts does not detrimental but generates more positive impacts to the country and people, we ought to agree that the government is doing the right job. What the government might be considering is that whether the amount of money allocated is appropriate and sufficient or not.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay. The main problem is that you fail to explain why a country would lose its 'culture and dignity' if the government did not fund art.

In addition, the conclusion is a little unclear and even reads more like an introduction.

Vocabulary is good. Grammar is generally good too, but you might consider reducing the length of some sentences - they can become a little unclear.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewere.
To what extent do you agree with this view?

There is a group of people who assert that funding the arts is a waste of money. Instead, the government should spend this money on areas that are more appropriate and important.

The main advantages when the government decides to fund the arts are that it can help preserve the local heritage and cultural beauty that defines and separates the country from other countries and educates its people on the sense of loving, resilience and responsibility. One relevant instance would be arts like Aboriginal paintings and sculptures. These demonstrate Australia’s differences and uniqueness that today’s children and even future generations should learn to appreciate and embrace.

Those who argue that this money could be more useful in other sections probably feel that there are other areas or industries that require greater attention and urgency instead of the arts. Such areas include public school education, medicine, poverty, and technology. The government should put more effort and money into these fields as they should be improved as soon as possible. However, if the government refuses to sustain and protect traditional arts, then this country will lose its culture and dignity while many other countries are trying their very best to preserve theirs.

To conclude, given that supporting the arts is not detrimental but generates more positive impacts on the country and people, we ought to agree that the government is doing the right thing by funding the arts. What the government might be considering is whether the amount of money allocated is appropriate and sufficient or not.