Please Evaluate my essay

[DicroticNotch]

Dear Friends,

Could you please correct my mistakes in grammer, articles and collocations as well as rewrite my sentences if there is a better way without changing the concept?

How much do you think I could get with such an essay?

Thank you in advance..

Task- Smart devices have put all of the world’s information at our fingertips.What are the drawbacks of this development?


The smart phone, one of the greatest breakthroughs ever made, has revolutionised the way we access information in recent years. Now, the entire world (and all the information in it) is only at the distance of our palms. This state-of-the-art technology is being incredibly useful and helpful, though, it may bring about some problems. Analysing how smart phones damage people’s lives as well as cause social isolation of individuals will show this.

First and foremost, malevolent owners of these small but smart devices are allowed to take photos or record videos of people secretly in order to disperse them through internet that might put the victims into severe positions. There are many examples published through the mass media regarding people who lost their jobs or suffered from major depression or even committed suicide because their personal privacy was uncovered and shared with billions of members of online social networking platforms. Since this technology wonder can be employed to breach personal privacy, it is clear that what we benefit from the smart phone is also its negative side.

On the other hand, smartphone owners have difficulties relating to people in the real world. The statistical results of a research conducted by The International Sociological Association play a good example here. According to these results, the number of people suffering from medical depression attributed to loneliness has spiked in tandem with the rise in sales of smartphones. If smartphones cause people to fail developing communication skills and drag them to loneliness, it is clearly another negative side of it.

By way of conclusion, even though smart devices provide a vast number of benefits to us, these benefits are also its drawbacks in terms of preventing people from socialising and help violating their personal privacy.

[andytruong1202]

Task- Smart devices have put all of the world’s information at our fingertips.What are the drawbacks of this development?


The smartphones, one of the greatest breakthroughs ever made, have revolutionised the way we access information in recent years. Now, all the information in the entire world is only at the distance of our palms. This state-of-the-art technology is being incredibly useful and helpful, though, it may bring about some problems. Analysing how smart phones damage people’s lives as well as cause social isolation of individuals will show this.

First and foremost, malevolent owners of these small but smart devices are allowed to take photos or record videos of people secretly in order to disperse them through the Internet, which consequentlymight put the victims into severe positions. There are many examples published through the mass media regarding people who lost their jobs or suffered from major depression or even committed suicide because their personal privacy was uncovered and shared with billions of members of online social networking platforms. Since this technology wonder can be employed to breach personal privacy, it is clear that what we benefit from the smart phones is also a negative side (What do we benefit from smartphones?).

On the other hand, smartphone owners have difficulties establishing rapport with otherpeople in the real world. The statistical results of a research conducted by The International Sociological Association play a good example here. According to these results, the number of people suffering from medical depression allocated to loneliness has spiked in tandem with the rise in sales of smartphones. If smartphones cause people to fail developing communication skills and drag them to loneliness, thisis clearly another negative side.

By way of conclusion, even though smart devices provide a vast number of benefits to us, these benefits are also drawbacks in terms of preventing people from socialising and encouraging people to violate others' personal privacy.

This is a great essay! What's your target band score?

[DicroticNotch]

Thank you very much andytruong1202. You actually corrected or changed what I struggled on what to write..I would love to get anything over 6 Do you really think it is good? Because when I read again I could only see that it is really bad.


I meant by the sentence "what we benefit from the smartphones is also its negative side" is the benefit - being able to share information- of smartphones is also its negative side because it can be used to violate the victims' personal privacy.

If it is not clear i guess i can change it in this way:

Since this technology wonder can be employed to breach personal privacy, it is clear that smartphones’ technical capabilities are also its negative side.

[andytruong1202]

Thank you very much andytruong1202. You actually corrected or changed what I struggled on what to write..I would love to get anything over 6 Do you really think it is good? Because when I read again I could only see that it is really bad.


I meant by the sentence "what we benefit from the smartphones is also its negative side" is the benefit - being able to share information- of smartphones is also its negative side because it can be used to violate the victims' personal privacy.

If it is not clear i guess i can change it in this way:

Since this technology wonder can be employed to breach personal privacy, it is clear that smartphones’ technical capabilities are also its negative side.

I think you would be able to get at least 6 for your essay.

To avoid confusion, you could write simple sentences for different ideas, then combine them where you can. It'd make it more clear to readers.

[DicroticNotch]

Thanks again..