Anyone is welcome to comment my essay! (TA;CC;GA;LR)

[Mr Azik]

Housing and accommodation has become a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the main factors that have contributed to this problem?
What can done to help reduce the number of homeless people?

Nowadays, many people live in unsanitary conditions or suffer from lack of accommodation around the globe. In fact, there are many reasons to this problematic situation, but the most concerns are industrial revolution and moving people to urban areas. This essay aims to clarify these causes and give optimal solutions.

Firstly, most business plans are mainly profit-orientated and one of the deleterious effects of them is destroying poor houses and shelters even if individuals live there. This phenomenon can be seen in many part of the world, especially in India, where more than thousand million of population are homeless. Therefore, to tackle this issue, governments should handle and investigate whole business as well as give them order to build industrial centers and factors in rural areas.

Furthermore, migration of suburb population to megacities and cities can be seen as the second precise cause in increasing the number of unsheltered public. For example, in Tashkent more than thousands of people come to settle ever year. That`s why, a policy of support and consulting services to sustain new homes was received by local authority a year ago. As a result, there was a sudden decrease in number of unsheltered public. Thus, this type of projects can help to facilitate housing problems.

To conclude, economic revolution and overpopulation in cities can be measured as main causes to housing problem. To eliminate this problematic situation, placing factors and plants in suburb areas and the project of supporting and investigating to settle general public consciously by governments can be seen as possible solutions. So, it is hoped that this solutions will be used to make the world better place to live.
278 words

Mr David, I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions to improve my essays.
What should i include or change in my essay? ((TA;CC;GA;LR))

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

TA - I don't think that you have explained your ideas clearly. The relationship between ideas is often unclear, e.g. why does the search for profit result in destroying homes? Why are people moving to Tashkent?

CC - Relationships between ideas are often unclear, as mentioned above.

LR - Often used very generally, e.g. the government should 'handle and investigate', 'support and consulting services'.

GRA - Good range and accuracy.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Housing and accommodation has become a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the main factors that have contributed to this problem?
What can done to help reduce the number of homeless people?

Nowadays, many people live in unsanitary conditions or suffer from lack of accommodation around the globe. In fact, there are many reasons for this problematic situation, but the most concerning are industrial revolution and migration to urban areas. This essay aims to clarify these causes and give optimal solutions.

Firstly, most business plans are mainly profit-orientated and one of their deleterious effects is the destruction of houses and shelters, even if individuals live there. This phenomenon can be seen in many parts of the world, especially in India, where more than a thousand million citizens are homeless. Therefore, to tackle this issue, governments should investigate businesses and insist they build industrial centers and factoriess in rural areas.

Furthermore, migration of rural populations to mega-cities and cities can be seen as the second major cause of the increasing number of unsheltered public. For example, in Tashkent more than a thousand people come to settle ever year. That's why a policy of support and consulting services to sustain new homes was instituted by local authority a year ago. As a result, there was a sudden decrease in the number of homeless people. Thus, this type of project can help to ease housing problems.

To conclude, economic revolution and overpopulation in cities can be names as the main causes of the current housing problem. To eliminate this problematic situation, placing factories and plants in rural areas and supporting and investigating ways to settle the general public can be seen as possible solutions. So, it is hoped that these solutions will be used to make the world a better place to live.