Kindly assess my essay. I want to achieve band 8 in writing. Thank-you.

[Dr.Khurram]

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


These days it is common for pupils to take a year off after completion of their high school. Many commentators believe that taking a year off is beneficial for students, while other analysts defend the idea that this trend has numerous disadvantages.
Some people contend that this one year gap, which students take, is helpful for them in many ways. Firstly, it is not unreasonable to suggest that this one year can be effectively employed for going on a holiday of the lifetime, so, students can easily get away from their monotonous routine. This can help them relax and moreover, they can learn from diverse culture of foreign countries, they visit. Furthermore, if they use this time by doing any sort of job, this can also help them tremendously , because they can use money from their wages to finance their university education. At the same time, the experience they gain from work can help them in future in getting job after completion of their university education. So there are compelling arguments to support the idea of taking a year off after high school.1
Related to these arguments is a critique that sometime after losing contact with studies these pupils leaves education for good because of two key reasons. Firstly, many times instead of doing work for one gap year, these students permanently start doing different jobs thus leaving their studies forever. Secondly, many teenagers get indulge in different criminal activities such as street crimes and at the same time also start doing drugs. For instance, a study published by Harvard researchers who were studying preventable causes leading to juvenile delinquency stated that a large proportion of teenagers who were pleaded guilty for different street crimes were high school drop outs, and those who after high school, instead of continuing their studies indulge in these unlawful activities.
To recapitulate, although this trend has both positive and negative consequences, I believe that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

First main paragraph - This point would not affect your score, but I'd suggest that if students find uni life so monotonous, they're really looking at a horrible life!

Second main paragraph - I find the idea that students would suddenyl turn to crime if they take a year off to be rather strange. The issue of high school drop-outs is irrelevant. We're talking about students who just take a year off.

There was another essay from another contributor that I looked at earlier and it was similar in that grammar and vocabulary were good, but the points were very strangely made.

When you are aiming for a high score, you really must ensure that your arguments are clear and developed appropriately.

All the best,
David

[Dr.Khurram]

ThankYou sir for your valuable suggestions.

[Flick]

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


These days, it is common for pupils to take a year off after completing high school. Many commentators believe that taking a year off is beneficial for students, while other analysts defend the idea that this trend has numerous disadvantages.

Some people contend that this one year gap, which many students take, is helpful for them in various ways. Firstly, it is not unreasonable to suggest that this year can be effectively employed for experiencing the holiday of a lifetime, so students can escape their monotonous routine. This can help them relax and moreover, they can learn from the diverse cultures of the foreign countries they visit. Furthermore, if they use this time working instead of travelling, this can also help them tremendously because they can use money from their wages to finance their university education. At the same time, the experience they gain from work can help them in their job search in the future once they graduate university. So there are compelling arguments to support the idea of taking a year off after high school.

Related to these arguments is a critique that sometime after losing contact with studies these pupils leaves education for good because of two key reasons.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Firstly, often instead of doing work for one gap year, these students permanently start work, thus leaving their studies forever. Secondly, many teenagers indulge in different criminal activities such as street crimes and at the same time also start doing drugs. For instance, a study published by Harvard researchers regarding preventable causes leading to juvenile delinquency stated that a large proportion of teenagers who pleaded guilty for different street crimes were high school drop outs, and that after high school, instead of continuing their studies indulged in these unlawful activities.

To recapitulate, although this trend has both positive and negative consequences, I believe that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

[Dukil]

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