Please help to asses my Writing Task 2 2016-05-08 Computer is an unavoidable element in human lives

[rahulwg]

Computer is an unavoidable element in human lives. Some people think children spending more time on the computer, is harmful for them while others think it is the future and there are no negative effects. In my opinion, we need to be cautious on computer usage of kids, as there are some health, mental and safety problems that it can bring.
Staying on a computer screen causes some problem to human eye, such as unclear vision, irritation and many other vision impairment problems. There are several guides that experts advice on usage of computer, for example, that we need to blink often, make physical movements every hour and etc. Kids may not do these practices, and that may cause problems in their health.
Anybody accessing a computer also has high chances to get access to inappropriate content, especially when it comes to a child we need to protect them from several contents like phonography and violence. Computers are enabling high possible access to these contents via internet. In addition, some other content like games makes kids addictive for them, also that could contain adult materials visually or verbally.
In current days, we can see there are lots of cyber-crimes happening, letting our child on a computer for long period without proper personal monitoring will give high chances to be victim of a crime scene. This may occur due to revealing any personal information by the child over the computer.
In summary, we need to be more cautious when we give computer access to our children. Proper monitoring and security mechanisms should establish to safeguard them.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

A very one-sided essay, but that's your opinion!

In the conclusion, you mention monitoring and security, but these are not developed in the main paragraphs, so what do you mean exactly?

Grammar and vocabulary are good.

All the best,
David