advantages and disadvantages essay + GT 2 + Mr. David please help to review

[Prashant Hirani]

Question :- Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Many parents believe that having a part time job during vacations for their kids is certainly conducive to their growth in many aspects. However, others insist that studying should take precedence over an experience by having a part time job, since studying can guarantee a better income in their future career. Here, in this essay, I will enunciate both positive and negative points with my own perception.

On the one hand, there are enormous benefits associated in doing part time job. First, young generation can gain the valuable experiences such as how to deal with different types of people, and how to tackle critical situations if arises. Another benefit is children's can make money in their spare time by indulging into part time work. It will teach them money management skills and importance of saving money for future needs. For example, while working during my summer vacations I earned few hundreds of dollars which helped me to buy motorbike in first year of my university education. This shows that working partly helps children's in getting real time experiences and earning money.

On the flip side, such development has number of potential dangers. The most serious of these would be that young children are not mature enough to distinguish reality from fiction and can easily get influenced by bad company. For example, recent studies have shown that there is higher probability for a young person to get addicted to drugs and crime. Furthermore, it is agreed that breaks in education are designed for the purpose of refreshment and enjoyment and to start the next level of study with fresh mind. Working during vacations might result in losing their competitiveness in study. Thus, it is clear that how part time jobs can influence young kids negatively and increases their stress level.

To recapitulate, by looking at above details, to my viewpoint, there are more drawbacks considering the negative consequences of working in spare time than advantages. It is hoped that number of parents encouraging their children's to work partly would witness decline into coming years.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - You have failed to note the possibility of having a part-time job and studying, which could prove fatal to your essay, but let's read on ...

First main paragraph - Summer jobs! Excellent point!

Second main paragraph - Children cannot distinguish fiction from reality?! Two points: 1. REALLY?! 2. Oh, and adults CAN?! This goes for being influenced by 'bad company' too. Yes, teenagers are more likely to get involved in crime and drugs, but this is mainly because they are at an age when they are experimenting, testing boundaries. The fourth sentence makes no sense in this paragraph. Fifth sentence - why? Sixth sentence - well, you've used the word 'can' which could esialy be used to promote the opposing argument.

It was looking quite good at the beginning, but you managed to introduce points that were invalid entirely or were undeveloped.

I really enjoyed working part-time as a kid, and I still managed to graduate from university and travel the world!

All the best,
David

[Prashant Hirani]

Thanks Mr. David ... Just curious to know, how much points/band this essay is worth for ?