Some people think that having a set retirement age (65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They bG

[varsha]

]TOPIC: Some people think that having a set of retirement age *(65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair . They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age . Do you agree or disagree/ Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement ? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In the modernized and technology based era , most of the work is done by machine only. There
are less manpower and more equipment based era.Here I would like to agree that everybody
should gain pension but not as per defined timeline.

Due to modernization and industry based work environment, people mostly work regarding
documents and handling of computer system or other software. It is like non-moving job as
people have to sit at their place only regarding their work.It causes several diseases indirectly.
Such as obesity, Diabetis , High blood pressure and many more. In addition, to increase in
work load direct impact on health and mind. Once the health issues generate, it will not be
resolved as quickly we imagine. Furthermore, some workers also disturb their mental balance
during working in chemical industry. Thus it is one of the reason to provide retirement at
early age.

In addition , the habit of new era people to do work very smartly. Thus they think far away
benefits for their present life and patronage other people to do the same.In urbanization time
and some of the recent survey also prove that age of sixty five is too late to gain pension. Due
to more unhygenic,chemical based and fast food retard the optimum work capacities. On
account of that a retirement age should be decreased.

On contrary, if aforementioned should be followed then it also causes laziness and selfishness.
For instance, one employee working in a Human resource department thinking that I have only
two years left to get retire.and retard his performance. Furthermore, not taking an interest for
co-curricular activities.

In short I would like to conclude that retirement age should have criteria as per government
terms and conditions in all private as well as government based organization. Also the workers
who work below the poverty line must have pension at their early age.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

In the first main paragraph there's a sudden jump from office work to the chemical industry! Moreover, I'm not sure you've demonstrated why people should therefore retire early.

The second main paragraph is confusing. You say people are working more 'smartly' but then say food 'retard[s] capacities'. Once again, the link to retiring early is not demonstrated.

The third paragraph may or may not be true, but it relies on one example about one person, which does not create a strong argument.

The conclusion is in no way proven by the arguments and you have introduced another point about poorer workers retiring early, which actually contradicts all logic. Surely they need to work longer to build up a pension?!

Overall, vocabulary, grammar and cohesive devices have not been used to create a coherent argument. Points are unclear at best, and may be completely incorrect.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

]TOPIC: Some people think that having a set of retirement age *(65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree/ Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In today's modernized and technology based era, most of the work is done by machine only. There is less manpower and more equipment. Here I would like to agree that everybody should gain a pension, but not as per a defined timeline.

Due to modernization and an industry-based work environment, people mostly work with documents and handling computer systems or other software. It is like non-moving job as people have to sit at their place only regarding their work.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) It causes several diseases indirectly.(<--Reword to: "This sedentary lifestyle can indirectly cause several diseases, such as obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and more.")

In addition, an increase in workload directly impacts physical and mental health. Once the health issues appear, they can not be resolved as quickly we imagine. Furthermore, some workers also disturb their mental balance when working in the chemical industry. Thus it is one of the reasons to provide retirement at an early age.

In addition, the habit of new era people to do work very smartly.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Thus they think far away benefits for their present life and patronage other people to do the same.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) In urbanization time(<--What is 'urbanization time'?) and some of the recent survey also prove that the age of sixty five is too late to gain a pension. Due to more unhygienic, chemical-based and fast food retard the optimum work capacities.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) On account of that, the retirement age should be decreased.

On the other hand, if the aforementioned is introduced, it could also cause laziness and selfishness. For instance, one employee working in a Human Resource department thinking that he has only two years left until he retires might negatively impact his performance. Furthermore, not taking an interest for co-curricular activities.(<--I don't understand what you mean.)

In short, I would like to conclude that the retirement age should have criteria as per government terms and conditions in all private as well as government-based organizations. Also, employees who work below the poverty line should have a pension at an early age.

[varsha]

Thanks for correcting me. I realize where I have done my mistakes.

I will take care while co relating the two paragraphs and also the complex sentences.