Kindly assess my writing. Thankyou

[Dr.Khurram]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit

In this contemporary society, the main aim of many enterprises is to swell their business, and in doing so they employ every method to meet their targets. Many commentators are of the view that, this approach is necessary for the well-being of business, while other analysts oppose this notion. I strongly agree with former idea.
Firstly, due to slowing down of the global economy, many national and multination firms are facing severe crisis and thus to ameliorate the situation it is cardinal that they don’t leave any stone un-turned to drum-up their business. For instance, due to ever increasing taxes in many developed nations, many international enterprises try to find legit ways to evade these taxes and one way of doing this is by forming off-shores companies and thus shifting their revenue to tax havens, furthermore these companies are not illegal to start and operate so they are not convicting any crimes.
Secondly, the main aim of the running any business organization is to generate profit and thus it is prudent to make sure that cash flow is good and shares prices are soaring. For instance, in last few decades, many multinational companies have shifted their manufacturing units from the mother countries to the other parts of the world such as China, where labor is cheap. Albeit, some analysts criticize this measure , but it was imperative as it was beneficial for companies in terms of sales figures and also for consumers as it brings down consumer cost. Thus, it can be easily implied from aforementioned arguments that for a successful business it crucial to utilize every legal option available.
To recapitulate, I am in accord with the verdict that, it is the basic right of any business organization to take legit measures which are necessary for their development. Although, it is also responsibility of government to make sure that these companies don’t use any illegal or malicious ways for escalation of their revenue.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

A very interesting question!

In English, tax evasion is illegal and tax avoidance is the use of measures such as those you have mentioned (offshore companies).

At the beginning, you said that you agree with using ALL means, but you then do state that you only agree with them using all LEGAL means - which is not the same thing! I think that you could have developed your points a bit more, as there is some repetition and/or you use a lot of words to make a point.

Vocabulary is generally good, but some points only become clear later (as I mentioned above). There's a good range of grammar and mistakes do not interfere with meaning.

Overall, good, but not great! Could easily be improved.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit

In this contemporary society, the main aim of many enterprises is to increase their business, and in doing so they employ every method to meet their targets. Many commentators are of the view that this approach is necessary for the well-being of business, while other analysts oppose this notion. I strongly agree with the former idea.

Firstly, due to the slowing down of the global economy, many national and multinational firms are facing a severe crisis and thus to ameliorate the situation, it is cardinal that they don’t leave any stone un-turned to drum-up their business. For instance, due to ever-increasing taxes in many developed nations, many international enterprises try to find legitimate ways to evade these taxes, and one way of doing this is by forming off-shores companies and thus shifting their revenue to tax havens. Furthermore, these companies are not illegal to start and operate so they are not guilty of any crimes.

Secondly, the main aim of running any business or organization is to generate profit, and thus it is prudent to make sure that cash flow is good and shares prices are soaring. For instance, in the last few decades, many multinational companies have shifted their manufacturing units from the mother countries to other parts of the world such as China, where labor is cheap. Albeit, some analysts criticize this measure, but it was imperative as it was beneficial for companies in terms of sales figures and also for consumers as it brings down consumer cost. Thus, it can be easily implied from the aforementioned arguments that for a business to be successful, it is crucial to utilize every legal option available.

To recapitulate, I am in accord with the verdict that it is the basic right of any business organization to take legitimate measures which are necessary for their development. However, it is also the responsibility of government to make sure that these companies don’t use any illegal or malicious ways to increase their revenue.