Please evaluate my task 2 reponse

[Sid1992]

Hello Guys ,

Here the Task 2 question that I answered for

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

In general, people do not have such a close relationship with their neighbours as they did in the past. Why is this so, and what can be done to improve contact between neighbours?

Write at least 250 words.

My response is as follows

The Society in which the people live in makes them to chose their own circle of contacts. During the past decade, the interactions between people and their neighbors have been more frequent comparing to the present instances . This is a result of modernization of the society through the technological advancements and change in perspectives of the people in terms of socialization . The comparison between the reasons behind the differences in the relationship of the people in the past and the present can give us clear picture of how to improve them.

In the past , the social interactions of the people with their neighbor were born out of necessity . For example , if a person would like to know the nearby electronic store , they naturally turn towards their neighbor for their possible aid. The help rendered once by their neighbor makes them to return the favor and thereby initializing the social communication . These communication pertains to the relationship between their neighbors closer.

At present , due to the advancements in technology we have all the services at our finger tips . These days everyone has a smartphone . We have an application for everything . For instance , if we are searching for nearby Super Market all we have to do is go to a search engine and search for nearby Markets with the GPS turned On. If things are easily done without depending on anybody , why do we need people for .

The improvement of relationship can be achieved only if people want to socialize with their neighbor . We cannot force people to take their choice . There are certain measures , that can increase the need to socialize with the neighbor . One among them is the creation of Street Society Associations of each locality to discuss issues and matters with their fellow neighbor . This could be only way people would take time in their busy lives to interact .

In conclusion , relationships between people are due to necessity . And the technological advancements curbs the requirement of interaction . I feel that by the creating situation where there will be need for interaction , we can improve relationship of the people with their neighbors.

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I am looking to score a band of 7 at-least . Please evaluate my response and grade me. Any suggestion for improvement is highly appreciated

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I think that you have focused on a very good key point. However, you then go a little far and also ignore other aspects of the debate.

"If things are easily done without depending on anybody , why do we need people for". Is that really true? We still need people at the supermarket, people to supply goods to the supermarket, etc.

Then, you fail to assess why people don't socialise with their neighbours. "This could be only way people would take time in their busy lives to interact". Really?

Grammar is quite good, with some good complex structures, but vocabulary is not used precisely to create a coherent argument.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

In general, people do not have such a close relationship with their neighbours as they did in the past. Why is this so, and what can be done to improve contact between neighbours?

Write at least 250 words.

My response is as follows

The society in which people live makes them chose their own circle of contacts. During the past decade, the interactions between people and their neighbors were more frequent compared to the present. This is a result of the modernization of society through technological advancements and a change in perspective of people in terms of socialization. The reasons behind the differences in relationships between people in the past and the present can give us clear picture of how to improve them.

In the past, the social interactions of people with their neighbors were born out of necessity. For example, if a person would like to know(<--'know' what? The location? If it sells a certain product? Transportation?) the nearby electronic store, they naturally turn towards their neighbor for help. The help rendered by their neighbor obligates them to return the favor and thereby initializes social communication. This communication brings the neighbors closer.

At present, due to the advancements in technology, we have all these services at our finger tips. These days, everyone has a smartphone. We have an application for everything. For instance, if we are searching for nearby super markets, all we have to do is go to a search engine and search for nearby shops with the GPS turned on. If things are easily done without depending on anybody, what do we need people for?

The improvement of relationships can be achieved only if people want to socialize with their neighbor. We cannot force people to interact. There are certain measures that can increase the need to socialize with neighbors. One of them is the creation of Street Society Associations of each locality to discuss issues and matters with their fellow neighbors. This could be one way people could take time in their busy lives to interact.

In conclusion, relationships between people are due to necessity, and technological advancements curb the requirements of interaction. I feel that by the creating a situation where there will be need for interaction, we can improve the relationships between neighbors.