Can someone check my task 2?

[jaleaconyogur]

Some people say that professional workers, such as doctors, nurses and teachers, make greater contribution and therefore should be paid more than those sports and entertainment stars. To what extent do you agree?

It is important to consider the real value of our work and the importance that this may have. While some athlete and show personalities make unthinkable amounts of money, people who perform essential works, such as teachers, nurses and doctors, unfairly struggle with salaries. In my opinion, they deserve to be better compensated.

The contribution made by people who work in important fields such as medicine or education is vital, and should be compensated in that way. Without them our health and our youngest generations would be in high risk. For example, in case of a natural desaster to occur a doctor might make the difference between life or dead, while in the same escenario, a famous figure has not much to help with.

Furthermore, most of the time, this superstars are in that possition not nesesarily for being extremaly talented. Sometimes they become famous just for having a exentric lifestyles or comming from a wealthy background, being not only superficial, but sometimes even bad as roll models in our society. While, on the other hand, foundamental works such as health workers or educators, nesesarily have to be hard working people, who develop a talent to help others, without shallow intentions. Therefore they deserve a better compensation.

In conclusion, I strongly think superstars and sport personalities are over-paid. Their salaries are, in my oppinion a waste of money. At the same time, it is sometimes unfair to see how broad the difference in salaries can be with people who perform a vital task within the society.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a very good essay. I think that you could have gone into a little more detail on the famous people side, perhaps by giving examples, but the arguments are clear enough and supported. Grammar and vocabulary and both very good with few errors and none that affect meaning.

Well done and be a little more careful with spelling!

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people say that professional workers, such as doctors, nurses and teachers, make greater contribution and therefore should be paid more than those sports and entertainment stars. To what extent do you agree?

It is important to consider the real value of our work and the importance that this may have. While some athletes and celebrities make unthinkable amounts of money, people who perform essential work, such as teachers, nurses and doctors, unfairly struggle with salaries. In my opinion, they deserve to be better compensated.

The contribution made by people who work in important fields such as medicine or education is vital, and should be compensated in that way.(<--Reword to: "The contribution made by people who work in important fields such as medicine or education is vital, and should be compensated in a way that reflects this.") Without them, our health and our youngest generations would be at high risk.(<--'high risk' of what?) For example, in case of a natural disaster occurring, a doctor might make the difference between life or death, while in the same scenario, a famous figure has not much to help with.

Furthermore, most of the time, these superstars are in that position not necessarily for being extremaly talented. Sometimes, they become famous just for having an eccentric lifestyle or coming from a wealthy background, being not only superficial, but sometimes even bad as role models in our society. While, on the other hand, fundamental workers such as health workers or educators, necessarily have to be hard working people, who develop a talent to help others without shallow intentions. Therefore they deserve better compensation.

In conclusion, I strongly think superstars and sport personalities are over-paid. Their salaries are, in my opinion, a waste of money. At the same time, it is sometimes unfair to see how broad the difference in salaries can be with people who perform a vital task within the society.