Please help me to correct my response for Writing Task 2-IELTS

[RajatSharma]

Dear Friends, Hope you will accept me as a new member in this forum. I have recently/just joined this forum to learn from the experienced members. I am Rajat Sharma from New Delhi, India and am preparing for IELTS Academic Test.

I need to score minimum 8 in my writings for my education cum migration purpose. Therefore, I kindly request you to help me by providing feedback to my essay below. The essay is written by myself by creating exam conditions (On Paper) within the time limit of 40 minutes.

Thanks!
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You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.Sending criminals to the prison is not the best method of dealing with them. Education and job training more are better ways to help them. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. You should give reasons for your answer using your own ideas and experience.

My Answer:

From the time immemorial, it has been a matter of debate how a criminal be punished. Of course, there are people who advocate one way or the other but in my view, we need to find a middle path to make sure that the punishment on the one hand, deters the potential criminal and on the other, it helps to reform the people involved in illegal activities.


First of all, we need to differentiate between the crimes which shock our conscience and the minor ones. I strongly believe that punishment and in some cases, severe punishment is the only way out to deter the people committing crimes which are against life, liberty and humanity. What I mean by this is that we should adequately punish the wrongdoers when they are involved in heinous crimes such as gory killing, cold blooded murder, rape, arsons out of vengeance etc.


In contrast to such views, I hold a slightly different opinion when the crimes are petty and born out of compulsion or some grave circumstances. That’s why I believe that the minor crimes like pick pocketing, thefts where the motive of commission of such crimes is to sustain one’s family should be treated differently. An opportunity to reform should be given to such person committing such minor offences. We cannot change our society by crowding our prison cells. Imparting education and providing quality jobs are prerequisites of reforming such people.


Therefore, in my conclusion, I would like to summarise my viewpoint that education alone can help to move people away from the criminal world. The punitive measures should be adopted only in case of serious offences. (Total 273 words)

[RajatSharma]

Dear Friends, pls help me assess my answer. Please tell me if I am making mistakes. Thanks, Rajat

[Flick]

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.Sending criminals to the prison is not the best method of dealing with them. Education and job training more are better ways to help them. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. You should give reasons for your answer using your own ideas and experience.

My Answer:

From time immemorial, it has been a matter of debate how a criminal is punished. Of course, there are people who advocate one way or the other but in my view, we need to find a middle path to make sure that the punishment on the one hand deters the potential criminal, and on the other it helps to reform the people involved in illegal activities.


First of all, we need to differentiate between crimes which shock our conscience and minor crimes. I strongly believe that punishment and in some cases, severe punishment is the only way out to deter the people committing crimes against life, liberty and humanity. What I mean by this is that we should adequately punish the wrongdoers when they are involved in heinous crimes such as cold blooded murder, rape, arson, etc.


In contrast to such views, I hold a slightly different opinion when the crimes are petty and born out of compulsion or circumstances. That’s why I believe that the minor crimes like pick pocketing, theft where the motive is to sustain one’s family should be treated differently. An opportunity to reform should be given to such people committing such minor offences. We cannot change our society by crowding our prison cells. Imparting education and providing quality jobs are prerequisites of reforming such people.


Therefore, in conclusion, I would like to summarise my viewpoint that education alone can help to move people away from the criminal world. Punitive measures should be adopted only in case of serious offences. (Total 273 words)