Writing Task 2 - Academic education and vocational training

[jennyj]

I've written this to practice academic writing. Hope I'll get several helpful comments from you all.
Please leave your comments, especially when you spot a mistake to help me improve my writing ^^

Too much emphasis is placed on going to university for academic education. People should be encourage to do vocational training because there is a lack of tradespeople such as electricians and plumbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
~~~
Education always plays a key role in the development of all countries. The more well-educated a country’s population are, the more prosperous it may become. However, there is a growing trend that people would like to focus more on academic education than on vocational training, leading to the argument that more emphasis should be put on vocational training instead of academic education. This essay will discuss the view to show agreement on that.
First of all, it is true that people are now emphasizing too much on going to university. High school students may usually be put under pressure to gain high-ranking universities’ admission, probably leading to their over-studying then depression. This may cause harmful effects on the national labor force, including unstable physical and mental conditions. Another problem may arise as a result of such an issue. Although the workforce obtaining academic education would be rapidly expanding, the number of vacant jobs requiring academic qualifications would either remain or grow at a slow speed, resulting in a likely high rate of unemployment. For example, many students are trained to be accountants at universities, but companies could use accounting software to reduce labor cost thanks to the development of technology.
The essay will follow with opinions in favor of encouraging people to do vocational training. One of the main reasons for focusing on that type of training is that while there is a high unemployment rate in academic fields, communities are now lacking a substantial number of tradesmen such as plumbers, electricians or carpenters. As a result, it may lead to numerous issues including financial and time problems. Now that few people work as tradespeople, it may be challenging to find a skilled craftsman to provide service when necessary. For example, when household appliances are out of order, it may take a long time to have them repaired by virtue of tradesmen insufficiency. Additionally, the cost for maintenance could consequently be considerable. Another reasons why people should be encouraged to be involved in vocational training is that the quality of craftsmen could not be improved without them being well-trained. That may not only enhance these mentioned issues but also result in more problems, safety issues for example.
In conclusion, along with academic education, vocational training should be paid great attention on to have the quality of the entire workforce improved.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

To be honest, all you have done is repeat the question and expand it. You have not explained the results of too many people going to university.

Some points are unclear. You mention that companies could use software to reduce the number of accountants. However, the number of accountants is clearly increasing, even as companies use such software.

Overall, weak on ideas and development, with some points that are unclear to the point of making no sense.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Too much emphasis is placed on going to university for academic education. People should be encourage to do vocational training because there is a lack of tradespeople such as electricians and plumbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
~~~
Education plays a key role in the development of all countries. The more well-educated a country’s population is, the more prosperous it may become. However, there is a growing trend that people would like to focus more on academic education than on vocational training, leading to the argument that more emphasis should be put on vocational training instead of academic education. This essay will discuss the view to show agreement on that.(<--I don't understand this sentence. Which view are you agreeing with?)

First of all, it is true that people are now placing too much importance on going to university. High school students are under pressure to gain admission to high-ranking universities, often leading to stress and depression. This may cause harmful effects on the national labor force, including unstable physical and mental conditions. Another problem may arise as a result of such an issue. Although the workforce obtaining academic education would rapidly expand, the number of vacant jobs requiring academic qualifications would either remain constant or grow at a slow speed, likely resulting in a high rate of unemployment. For example, many students are trained to be accountants at universities, but companies could use accounting software to reduce labor cost thanks to the development of technology.

This essay agrees with those in favor of encouraging people to do vocational training. One of the main reasons for focusing on that type of training is that while there is a high unemployment rate in academic fields, communities are now lacking a substantial number of tradesmen such as plumbers, electricians or carpenters. As a result, this may lead to numerous issues including financial and time problems.(<--How?) Now that few people work as tradespeople, it may be challenging to find a skilled craftsman to provide service when necessary. For example, when household appliances are out of order, it may take a long time to have them repaired by virtue of tradesmen insufficiency. Additionally, the cost for maintenance could increase considerably. Another reason why people should be encouraged to be involved in vocational training is that the quality of craftsmen could not be improved without them being well-trained. That may not only enhance these mentioned issues but also result in more problems, safety issues for example.(<--How?)

In conclusion, along with academic education, vocational training should be encouraged in order to maintain the quality of the entire workforce.