Writing Task 2 - Health care as top priority

[jennyj]

Please help me to review my essay by leaving comments. I would be very grateful when knowing your feedback.

Some people say government should give the health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views.
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By virtue of rapid changes happening globally, governments are now facing numerous arising problems. However, due to the scarcity of national resources, the governments would not have the ability to come up with effective solutions for all issues. There are those who believe that health care is the most important issue to be put on the top of priority lists, while others argue that government expenditure should be also on other problems instead of only health care. This essay will discuss both views to express agreement on the latter.
This essay will start with the belief that health care is the most important issue. It can hardly be denied that health care would greatly influence the economy of a country. If the country suffers from a deadly infectious disease, there would be a large amount of government budget would be spent on the treatment and prevention of that disease. Additionally, the national labor force would also witness quality reduction when such a disease occurs.
Nevertheless, apart from health care, a variety of other aspects of the community should also be highlighted. For example, education should be considered as important as health care, because the better education a country’s population could gain, the more prosperous that country could become. Another aspect to be focused on is environmental issues, many of which could be considered as fundamental causes of health problems. By combat those issues, the population’s health would be improved without a great amount of budget spent on social health care.
To sum up, although health care is relatively vital in the modern life, governments should balance the expenditure on health care and other important issues.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, quite good, though the second main paragraph (education, the environment) isn't developed. In the first main paragraph, a little more detail on government action re epidemics would be useful, especially as an epidemic usually occurs when there is no immediate cure.

Vocabulary and grammar are quite good too, but once again there are many generalisations and therefore less clarity.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Please help me to review my essay by leaving comments. I would be very grateful when knowing your feedback.

Some people say government should give the health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views.
~~~
By virtue of rapid changes happening globally, governments are now facing numerous problems. However, due to the scarcity of national resources, governments do not have the ability to come up with effective solutions for all issues. There are those who believe that health care is the most important issue to be put on the top of priority lists, while others argue that government expenditure should focus on other problems instead. This essay will discuss both views before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

First of all, many people believe that health care is the most important issue. It can hardly be denied that health care greatly influences the economy of a country. If the country suffers from a deadly infectious disease, there would be a large amount of government budget spent on the treatment and prevention of that disease. Additionally, the national labor force would also witness quality reduction when such a disease occurs.

Nevertheless, apart from health care, a variety of other aspects of the community should also be highlighted. For example, education should be considered as important as health care, because the better education a country’s population gains, the more prosperous that country could become. Another aspect to be focused on is environmental issues, many of which could be considered as fundamental causes of health problems. By combating those issues, the population’s health would be improved without a great amount of budget spent on social health care.

To sum up, although health care is relatively vital in modern life, governments should balance the expenditure on health care and other important issues.