GT Task 2. Many young people today are too worried about the way they look and this causes problems.

[VadimKlimenko]

Dear IELTS mates, please give feedback for my Task 2 Essay. I would also appreciate if those of you who understand thoroughly IELTS writing band descriptors let me know what is probable band of this writing or give any other comments on the task response / coherence / lexical resources / grammatical range of the writing.

Many young people today are too worried about the way they look and this causes problems. Do you agree or disagree? What is the situation in your country?
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The twenty first century changed attitudes of the youth to many aspects of their lives. Among those changes is how young people perceive their own appearance. Boys and girls under twenty, especially girls, spend significantly more time discussing the way they look than their ancestors did thirty or forty years ago. I think that this is negative trend, and this essay demonstrates my point of view.

Many young people are so worried about their appearance that they spend very much time by window shopping in the malls, watching fashion shows on the TV, and reading main stream magazines. I reckon that it is more useful for those teenagers to read books, to go in for sports, or to participate in outdoor activities with their friends. For example, the 16-year old daughter of my friend knows everything about new fashion trends of this year, but hardly can name the capital of Poland. This example shows that excessive interest of the young to their appearance leaves no time for their mental development.

Another problem is that young men and women prefer now to compete by the clothing, accessories, or other status indicating items, which their parents bought them. I am convinced that they should compete by their own accomplishments either in schools or in sport clubs.

As in many other countries, this problem is actual in Azerbaijan too. It is possible to see dozens of pupils and students wandering around shopping malls at the time when they should sit in classes. I am very upset when I occasionally hear a chat of young girls sitting in a cafe who talk only about clothing and hair styles.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize that the fact many young people think so much about how they look causes the problems for the current generation of the youth because they completely ignore their academic and physical development.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay, but not great. Let's see how we can improve it.

1. Beware of 'extreme' phrasing, e.g. NO time.
2. Your ideas are very good, but you could easily develop them. (Look at the short length of two main paragraphs!) You could do this by looking at WHY so many young people are so interested in fashion.
3. Is being so interested in fashion always a bad thing? There's good money to be made in fashion design!
4. Notice how many conditionals are in the essay. None! No 'if', no 'perhaps'. Everything fits into a neat tiny little box - except that in the real world it doesn't!

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Many young people today are too worried about the way they look and this causes problems. Do you agree or disagree? What is the situation in your country?
________________
The twenty first century changed attitudes of the youth towards many aspects of their lives. Among those changes is how young people perceive their own appearance. Boys and girls under twenty, especially girls, spend significantly more time discussing the way they look than their ancestors did thirty or forty years ago. I think that this is a negative trend, and this essay demonstrates my point of view.

Many young people are so worried about their appearance that they spend a lot of time window shopping in malls, watching fashion shows on TV, and reading mainstream magazines. I believe that it is more useful for those teenagers to read books, to play sports, or to participate in outdoor activities with their friends. For example, the 16-year old daughter of my friend knows everything about new fashion trends from this year, but can barely name the capital of Poland. This example shows that excessive interest of the young in their appearance leaves no time for their mental development.

Another problem is that young men and women prefer now to compete through clothing, accessories, or other status-indicating items, which their parents bought them. I am convinced that they should compete through their own accomplishments either at school or in sport.

As in many other countries, this problem is present in Azerbaijan, too. It is possible to see dozens of pupils and students wandering around shopping malls durng times when they should be attending classes. I get very upset when I occasionally overhear young girls sitting in a cafe who talk only about clothing and hair styles.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize that many young people think so much about how they look it causes problems for the current generation because they completely ignore their academic and physical development.