kindly evaluate my task 2 essay.. thank you so much..

[aphro_dhite]

PROPOSITION: Directors of organizations are usually older individuals. However, some people feel that young people make better leaders of organizations.
PROMPT: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One of the issues in most companies nowadays is promotion whereas the criteria vary. There are people who believe that younger generations are more competent and equip to be the head of a company than those who are older than them. This essay will discuss the factors that affect the promotion of each individual but still in favour of older managers.
To begin with, the energy levels of the youths are higher compared to their seniors who are quite older than them whereas they are more enthusiastic in working. However, the attitude of an employee is rather a basis in choosing a director in which mostly energetic young worker are at times hasty in making decisions which are sometimes risky. Older staffs, on the other hand, are physically weaker but have encountered most of the problems that the company have face hence a more pronounced judgement is usually given.
Indeed, newly graduate staffs are more idealistic when it comes to the fundamentals of the job unlike older generations in which some of their ideas are already obsolete. Nevertheless, to be able to execute those concepts it must be supervised by those who have more experience in the company. For the reason that, some ideas or knowledge gained in school is not applicable that might put the company in jeopardy. Although, if it is well supervised by a skilled and well experienced director, the collaboration of both can bring success to an organization.
Notwithstanding the arguments, respect from peers is not easily gained in a company. Clearly, those who have more contribution in the company are more regarded compare to the newly hired employees. Respect is the most important factor in being a leader because the staff will not adhere to the orders given if it is lacked. Nonetheless, a senior who have been part of the organization for a long time is valued because through trials and triumphs that person have been part of it and have imparted something for its success.
In conclusion, younger people have more ideas and are physically stronger however the respect as well as the experience of the older generations is more significant and valued in most companies. Thus, in my opinion, elders have more advantage in leading an organization than the younger ones.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I know this is more of a personal comment, but I love it when people say that young people have more energy than older people. You really need to come and see my classes where the students are half my age and have virtually zero energy!

As for younger people having more ideas, you REALLY, REALLY need to come to my classes and meet my students!!! In my experience, most Chinese students have virtually no ideas at all!

Having said that, your whole essay is based on pure assumptions without any evidence at all, just like the comments I have mentioned.

Grammatical range is quite limited, because you are making assertions rather than presenting coherent arguments.

Let's take the respect one. Actually, most employees will do what the boss says, even if they don't respect him/her, simply because he/she is the boss and can therefore fire the employee.

Vocabulary appears good, but because it isn't used to create coherent points, it won't get such a high score.

All the best,
David

[aphro_dhite]

Thank you so much for checking my essay sir..

[Flick]

PROPOSITION: Directors of organizations are usually older individuals. However, some people feel that young people make better leaders of organizations.
PROMPT: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One of the issues in most companies nowadays is promotion whereas the criteria vary.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) There are people who believe that younger generations are more competent and equipped to be the head of a company than those who are older than them. This essay will discuss the factors that affect the promotion of each individual but still favour older managers.

To begin with, the energy levels of the youths are higher compared to their seniors who are older than them, so the younger workers are more enthusiastic in their work. However, the attitude of an employee is rather a basis in choosing a director in which mostly energetic young worker are at times hasty in making decisions which are sometimes risky.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Older staff, on the other hand, are physically weaker but have encountered most of the problems that the company is likely to face, hence they are more experienced and can react appropriately.

Indeed, newly graduated staff are more idealistic when it comes to the fundamentals of the job, unlike older generations, who have some ideas that are already obsolete. Nevertheless, to be able to execute those concepts, younger employees must be supervised by those who have more experience in the company. This is because some ideas or knowledge gained in school is not applicable and might put the company in jeopardy. However, if a new employee is supervised by a skilled and well experienced director, the collaboration can bring success to an organization.

Notwithstanding the above arguments, respect from peers is not easily gained in a company. Clearly, those who have made a greater contribution to the company are better regarded compared to the newly hired employees. Respect is the most important factor in being a leader because the staff will not follow orders given if it is lacking. Nonetheless, a senior who has been part of the organization for a long time is valued because, through trials and triumphs, that person has proven their worth.

In conclusion, younger people have more ideas and are physically stronger than their older counterparts. However, the respect and experience of the older generations is more significant and valued in most companies. Thus, in my opinion, elders have more advantage in leading an organization than the younger employees.