Writing Task 2 - Unpaid helping work

[jennyj]

Could you please review my Task 2 essay and let me know your feedback?

It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks of such a requirement be greater than the benefits to the community and the individual young people?
~~~
As the globe has been witnessing the development of communication, the interaction among people, especially young adults, has occasionally become weaker than it used to be in the past. In order to overcome this issue, there has been a suggestion that the young should be in charge of participating in an unpaid activity to give assistance to those who are in need of it. This essay will discuss both positive and negative sides of the requirement to figure out whether or not the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
The essay will start with the benefits of that requirement. First of all, it may be considered as a great method to strengthen social relationships, encouraging the young to have more interaction with the community. People who are required for such unpaid helping work would have opportunities to meet and have face-to-face interaction with others instead of being at home communicating through mobile phone and social network sites. Such direct interaction would close the distance among people by virtue of more sympathy and understanding that could be gained from the interaction. Secondly, the requirement of young people assisting others in the community without being paid would have economic benefits. The more people involving in that unpaid program, the more burden on governmental expenditure on social welfare would be relieved.
Nevertheless, the requirement has its own pitfalls. One of the major drawbacks is that it would have a negative impact on society’s perspective on altruism and volunteering. Voluntary assistance for others who need help in the community is universally highly appreciated. However, instead of willingly giving hands to those in need of help, people who are required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community would consider such assistance as their duty they are forced to do. Consequently, altruism would be discouraged in this case.
To sum up, instead of a strict requirement, young adults should be highly stimulated to take part in more voluntary activities. This may not only raise social awareness of altruism and volunteer but also encourage the young to willingly assist others.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The ideas are good, but are not expressed clearly. This is mainly because you do not develop the ideas and the ideas are expressed as certainties. Why would direct communication lead to more sympathy?

Vocabulary and grammar are quite good, but there is not much variety or clarity.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks of such a requirement be greater than the benefits to the community and the individual young people?
~~~
As the globe has been witnessing the development of communication, the interaction among people, especially young adults, has become weaker than it used to be in the past. In order to overcome this issue, there has been a suggestion that the young should participate in an unpaid activity to give assistance to those who are in need. This essay will discuss both the positive and negative sides of this requirement to figure out whether or not the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

This essay will start with the benefits of that requirement. First of all, it may be considered as a great method to strengthen social relationships, encouraging the young to have more interaction with the community. People who are required to carry out this volunteer work would have opportunities to meet and have face-to-face interactions with others instead of staying at home communicating through mobile phones and social network sites. Such direct interaction would close the distance between people by virtue of more sympathy and understanding that could be gained from the interaction. Secondly, the requirement of young people assisting others in the community without being paid would have economic benefits. The more people involved in volunteer programs, the more burden on governmental expenditure on social welfare would be relieved.

Nevertheless, the requirement has its own pitfalls. One of the major drawbacks is that it would have a negative impact on society’s perspective on altruism and volunteering. Voluntary assistance for those in need in the community is universally highly appreciated. However, instead of willingly giving aid to those in need, people who are required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community would consider such assistance as a duty they are forced to do. Consequently, altruism would be discouraged in this case.

To sum up, instead of a strict requirement, young adults should be highly encouraged to take part in more voluntary activities. This may not only raise social awareness of altruism and volunteer work, but also encourage the young to willingly assist others.