Writing Task 2 7+

[Aky]

www.IELTSNETWORK.com
Task 2
Do celebrities have a good impact for younger people or not
Discuss both sides of trend !!!
My response :
In recent years, celebrities are more given attention by younger people. In the community, today, most people have a particular liking for eminent people and from time to time they criticize them so as to reveal the secret of being successful people. In this following essay, I am going to explore pros and cons of being fame and how youngsters receive it.

Firstly, in today’s world, it is easier to become role models than it was considered to be a difficult thing in earlier times. Some people are keen admirer of celebrities of nowadays and it is the fact that plenty of people get a great pleasure as well as motivation, meanwhile they are watching or listening to exact admire person on the TV or public events. Finally, these enjoyment and morally repugnant can summon up people’s energy to work hard. Afterwards, they might more happy and subconscious mind that ever had. Furthermore, another aspects of having status of role models is that some people tend to presume that success is learned by successful people and celebrities seem to people that they are smart and clever, and then younger generation is able to learn strategies for their life as well as can create new opportunities by them. For instance, pessimist people can be optimist with the help of role models.

Yet, the other side of coin is that younger people are interested in him and it may lead to problems. Initially, younger generation is totally mad about role models and celebrities’ behavior may impact on youngster attitude with their peers and parents because they predominantly spend time on imitating celebrities’ speeches and songs. Undoubtedly, if role models is addicted to smoke so that it is expected that the vast majority of fans can be developed habit so called “smoker”. What is more, most celebrities have tattoos on their body and this can arise children desire to draw tattoos in order to alike role models.

By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position of having celebrities can be good consequences on young people in order educate with a great motivation .
(280 words)
26.09.2016
20:14
Thanks a lot for your comment !!!!
What can you suggest to get a high score from the portion of writing ?????????????????

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Criticise them to reveal the secret of success?!

morally repugnant? Where did that come from? No context at all!

Just from the first main paragraph, I'm having trouble putting this together, because the sentences are VERY long and full of mistakes mixed with strange vocabulary.

In the second paragraph, are you sure that role models and celebrities are the same people? I'm not a fan of celebrity culture, but to suggest that ALL young people are automatically 'into' it is ridiculous. To suggest that young people 'predominantly' spend their time copying celebrities is demonstrably false! The claim about smoking needs support. What's wrong with tattoos? (Again, I'm not a fan, but you cannot simply assume that having a tattoo is an indication that a person is bad.)

Wow! and then suddenly, all those criticisms are lost as you conclude everything's ok!!!

Overall, a difficult essay to understand. Arguments are unclear and badly expressed. Please take more care with your writing!

All the best,
David

[Flick]

http://www.IELTSNETWORK.com
Task 2
Do celebrities have a good impact for younger people or not
Discuss both sides of trend !!!
My response :
In recent years, celebrities have become more popular with younger people. Nowadays, most people have a particular liking for eminent people and from time to time they criticize them so as to reveal the secret of being successful people.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) In this essay, I am going to explore pros and cons of being famous and how youngsters perceive that fame.

Firstly, in today’s world, it is easier to become a role model than in previous generations. Some people are keen admirers of celebrities, and it is a fact that plenty of people get a great pleasure as well as motivation, meanwhile they are watching or listening to exact admire person on the TV or public events.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Finally, these enjoyment and morally repugnant can summon up people’s energy to work hard.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Afterwards, they might more happy and subconscious mind that ever had.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Furthermore, another aspect of being a role model is that some people tend to presume that success is learned by successful people and celebrities appear to be smart and clever, and then younger generation is able to learn strategies for their life as well as can create new opportunities by them.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) For instance, pessimistic people can be optimistic with the help of role models.(<--I don't understand how this relates to successful people.)

Yet, the other side of coin is that younger people are interested in him(<--Interested in who?) and it may lead to problems. Initially, younger generation is totally mad about role models and celebrities’ behavior may impact on youngster attitude with their peers and parents because they predominantly spend time on imitating celebrities’ speeches and songs.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Undoubtedly, if a role model is addicted to smoking, many fans are likely to follow in their footsteps and take up smoking as well. What is more, most celebrities have tattoos, which may encourage fans to get tattoos in order to be more like their role model.

In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that celebrities can be good role models for young people in order educate with a great motivation.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)
(280 words)
26.09.2016
20:14
Thanks a lot for your comment !!!!
What can you suggest to get a high score from the portion of writing ?????????????????