T2 academic

[Shokir]

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Questions:
Should these kind essays be written by discussing both sides of the argument and then telling which side i vote for?
Would i lose credits if i added some of my opinions?


From ancient times by now music is regarded as an inseparable part of everyone’s life and probably will not lose its value in the future. Though, the thing which matters at this point is that can traditional music be more important than international or so called “pop” music.

First of all let us identify why we need music in total. An initial answer for this could be that music is such magical appearance whose notes add a color to “black-white” life of mankind. Quite brilliant example of this could be a recent investigation which proved memories are best remembered in the harmony with songs.

Moreover, there are quite mixed varieties of music genres and types in our modern world. Simultaneously to them there is a kind of music that has been formed for many years. It is traditional music. Due to modern globalization meaningless, unreasonable and with full “banging” noises music goes like hot cakes amongst societies that some nations about to forget their traditional folklores. If one asks me what is wrong with this, my answer will be as follows: not admitting one’s nation’s traditions including music- diving into precipice refusing one’s ancestors.
On the other hand listening to modern “pops” could be entertaining and helpful for relaxation. We may see people doing some physical activities wearing headphones which by turn aid to ignore difficulty of the task. Even though, that does not mean that international music that created in several months should be more important than traditional music, which has been shaped for centuries.

To conclude, traditional music of the country is certainly more important than any other type of music in terms of representing spirit and history of the nation. However, thank to some music creators we may listen to mixed combination of both modern and traditional music which makes all of them equally important.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

You should look at both sides. You must definitely include your opinions.

An inseparable part of everyone's life? Really?

What is black-white life?

The second main paragraph just reads like a crazy angry rant.

Wow! What happened there? You suddenly switch to making good comments about modern music?!

The conclusion is not supported by any evidence.

Overall, this is a badly written essay. Points are unclear and unsupported.

Vocabulary and grammar are not used to create a coherent argument.

All the best,
David