Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles and people tendency to rely more or less on each other. While it is argued by many that people now depend on each other more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by other that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater to their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for every house in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view.
On the other hand, the fundamental role technology play in people lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned painting artfully through the famous website YouTube merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations The Internet provide to every user help them to depend on their own. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on wether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.
please evaluate my essay
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andytruong1202
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Re: please evaluate my essay
I suggest you use a smaller font sizeFatima wrote:Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles and people tendency to rely more or less on each other. While it is argued by many that people now depend on each other more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by other that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater to their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for every house in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view.
On the other hand, the fundamental role technology play in people lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned painting artfully through the famous website YouTube merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations The Internet provide to every user help them to depend on their own. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on wether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.
Re: please evaluate my essay
Alright, sorry for that. perhaps because my screen resolution is too high, so everything written here appears too small to me.
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles and people tendency to rely more or less on each other. While it is argued by many that people now depend on each other more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by other that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater to their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for every house in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view.
On the other hand, the fundamental role technology play in people lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned painting artfully through the famous website YouTube merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations The Internet provide to every user help them to depend on their own. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on wether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles and people tendency to rely more or less on each other. While it is argued by many that people now depend on each other more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by other that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater to their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for every house in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view.
On the other hand, the fundamental role technology play in people lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned painting artfully through the famous website YouTube merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations The Internet provide to every user help them to depend on their own. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on wether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.
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andytruong1202
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Re: please evaluate my essay
Join https://www.facebook.com/groups/ielts7.0/Fatima wrote:Alright, sorry for that. perhaps because my screen resolution is too high, so everything written here appears too small to me.
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyle and people tendency about relying more or less on one another. While it is argued by many that people now depend on one another more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by others that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement (are you sure about this?)for every household in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view (should restate the view in this sentence).
Should avoid making absolute statements
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes people become more independent (should state people become more independent first. ). To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned to paint artfully through the famous website YouTube without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of information the Internet provides to every user helps them become more independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent as a result of techonology.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time (why? restate your reasons here).
Re: please evaluate my essay
Thank you very much andytruong, I am truly grateful for your help. You have attracted my attention to things I did not notice.andytruong1202 wrote:Join https://www.facebook.com/groups/ielts7.0/Fatima wrote:Alright, sorry for that. perhaps because my screen resolution is too high, so everything written here appears too small to me.
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyle and people tendency about relying more or less on one another. While it is argued by many that people now depend on one another more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by others that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement (are you sure about this?)for every household in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view (should restate the view in this sentence).
Should avoid making absolute statements
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes people become more independent (should state people become more independent first. ). To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned to paint artfully through the famous website YouTube without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of information the Internet provides to every user helps them become more independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent as a result of techonology.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time (why? restate your reasons here).
you are right about avoiding absolute statements, I should've said (in the Arabian Gulf countries) for example.
I see that you've changed cater to ----> cater for
may I ask why? from what I gather, (for) is used to indicate a person or company caters for an occasion.
and (to) is used to indicate the things that a particular type or person wants.
another thing here, you have changed (tendency to) ----> (tendency about) which is confusing, I've never seen it this way.
do you think this is going to get at least 6?
Thanks again.
Re: please evaluate my essay
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles, and people intend to rely more or less on one another. While it is argued by many that people now depend on one another more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by others that people have become more independent than ever. (suggestion: "This essay is an attempt to analyse both sides without any prejudice"so, examiner know beforehand what you are going to do in this essay
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for most of the houses in modern society.(because you cannot say every house, if the examiner doesn't have a house maid, then you are wrong) As this example shows that people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of viewwhat point of view, rephrase your first sentence of this paragraph). ( unless you convince why maids become essential, your idea is not fully extended), you can say people work long hours, so find hard to do their own personal things)
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience.un-useful sentence) I have learned to paint through the famous website"You Tube" merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations the Internet provides to every user helps them to become independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent. (again use different words for your topic sentence and put them here)
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed. I am inclined to believe that people are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.as a result of development in technology
Hi Fatima,
Your task fulfillment is almost done but need some extended answer, just elaborate second and third sentence of your supporting paragraph.
I can see logical flow of your answer but word choices and grammars often disrupts communication.
LR is sufficient for the task, however,
more 9
people 7
independent 4 are used many times, try not to repeat words, topic words are fine if you have no other word, ( for example, if you talking about benefits and drawbacks of television, then you have use television very often)
overall looks like band 5.5 to 6, but, I am a test taker as well.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for most of the houses in modern society.(because you cannot say every house, if the examiner doesn't have a house maid, then you are wrong) As this example shows that people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of viewwhat point of view, rephrase your first sentence of this paragraph). ( unless you convince why maids become essential, your idea is not fully extended), you can say people work long hours, so find hard to do their own personal things)
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience.un-useful sentence) I have learned to paint through the famous website"You Tube" merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations the Internet provides to every user helps them to become independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent. (again use different words for your topic sentence and put them here)
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed. I am inclined to believe that people are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.as a result of development in technology
Hi Fatima,
Your task fulfillment is almost done but need some extended answer, just elaborate second and third sentence of your supporting paragraph.
I can see logical flow of your answer but word choices and grammars often disrupts communication.
LR is sufficient for the task, however,
more 9
people 7
independent 4 are used many times, try not to repeat words, topic words are fine if you have no other word, ( for example, if you talking about benefits and drawbacks of television, then you have use television very often)
overall looks like band 5.5 to 6, but, I am a test taker as well.
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
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andytruong1202
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Re: please evaluate my essay
Fatima wrote:Thank you very much andytruong, I am truly grateful for your help. You have attracted my attention to things I did not notice.andytruong1202 wrote:Join https://www.facebook.com/groups/ielts7.0/Fatima wrote:Alright, sorry for that. perhaps because my screen resolution is too high, so everything written here appears too small to me.
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyle and people tendency about relying more or less on one another. While it is argued by many that people now depend on one another more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by others that people have become more independent than ever.
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement (are you sure about this?)for every household in modern society. As this example shows, people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of view (should restate the view in this sentence).
Should avoid making absolute statements
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes people become more independent (should state people become more independent first. ). To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience. I have learned to paint artfully through the famous website YouTube without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of information the Internet provides to every user helps them become more independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent as a result of techonology.
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed, I am inclined to believe that we are becoming more and more independent over the course of time (why? restate your reasons here).
you are right about avoiding absolute statements, I should've said (in the Arabian Gulf countries) for example.
Yeah, you're right. It should be cater to....I see that you've changed cater to ----> cater for
may I ask why? from what I gather, (for) is used to indicate a person or company caters for an occasion.
and (to) is used to indicate the things that a particular type or person wants.
Yeah, you're right. It should be tendency to....; so it should be: the tendency of people to...another thing here, you have changed (tendency to) ----> (tendency about) which is confusing, I've never seen it this way.
I'm not perfect
Yeah, i think you would get somewhere between 5.5 - 6do you think this is going to get at least 6?
Thanks again.
Re: please evaluate my essay
Hi Andy,
I don't understand why you posted the above ,
please say in words because I cannot read people's mind.
Thanks
Durai
I don't understand why you posted the above ,
please say in words because I cannot read people's mind.
Thanks
Durai
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
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andytruong1202
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Re: please evaluate my essay
I just response to Fatima's comment.durai wrote:Hi Andy,
I don't understand why you posted the above ,
please say in words because I cannot read people's mind.
Thanks
Durai
Re: please evaluate my essay
Hi Andy,
Bro,thanks for your reply
anyway, I heard that you scored band 7.5 on writing, mine was 7, aiming for band 8.
do you have any strategy to follow specifically ? if any would you mind to share?
thanks
Durai
Bro,thanks for your reply
anyway, I heard that you scored band 7.5 on writing, mine was 7, aiming for band 8.
do you have any strategy to follow specifically ? if any would you mind to share?
thanks
Durai
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
-
andytruong1202
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Re: please evaluate my essay
Check out this thread http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1015durai wrote:Hi Andy,
Bro,thanks for your reply
anyway, I heard that you scored band 7.5 on writing, mine was 7, aiming for band 8.
do you have any strategy to follow specifically ? if any would you mind to share?
thanks
Durai
quite helpful
Re: please evaluate my essay
Hello durai,durai wrote:A certain relationship can be seen when looking at modern lifestyles, and people intend to rely more or less on one another. While it is argued by many that people now depend on one another more than they used to do in the past, it is believed by others that people have become more independent than ever. (suggestion: "This essay is an attempt to analyse both sides without any prejudice"so, examiner know beforehand what you are going to do in this essay
On the one hand, people are considered to be more dependent these days, because they no longer cater for their own needs by themselves. For instance, maids have become an essential requirement for most of the houses in modern society.(because you cannot say every house, if the examiner doesn't have a house maid, then you are wrong) As this example shows that people now count on someone else to wash their clothes, clean their rooms and prepare their food. Thus, it is clear why some support this point of viewwhat point of view, rephrase your first sentence of this paragraph). ( unless you convince why maids become essential, your idea is not fully extended), you can say people work long hours, so find hard to do their own personal things)
On the other hand, the fundamental role that technology plays in people's lives nowadays makes them more independent. To illustrate this, I will pose a personal experience.un-useful sentence) I have learned to paint through the famous website"You Tube" merely, and without attending a private institute. This makes it clear that the wide availability of informations the Internet provides to every user helps them to become independent. From this perspective, it is plausible to believe that people have become more independent. (again use different words for your topic sentence and put them here)
To conclude, as the divided opinions on whether we are more or less dependent have been analyzed. I am inclined to believe that people are becoming more and more independent over the course of time.as a result of development in technology
Hi Fatima,
Your task fulfillment is almost done but need some extended answer, just elaborate second and third sentence of your supporting paragraph.
I can see logical flow of your answer but word choices and grammars often disrupts communication.
LR is sufficient for the task, however,
more 9
people 7
independent 4 are used many times, try not to repeat words, topic words are fine if you have no other word, ( for example, if you talking about benefits and drawbacks of television, then you have use television very often)
overall looks like band 5.5 to 6, but, I am a test taker as well.
Thank you very much, I appreciate your help.
your are right about the repeated words, that is why I tried to use (rely on, count on) instead of depend on, but (people, more) I couldn't think of something else instead.
and about (cater for/to), I explained for andytruong why I used it, you must have read my comment.
Thanks again, and good luck for you too.
Re: please evaluate my essay
That's okandytruong1202 wrote:
Yeah, you're right. It should be cater to....
Yeah, you're right. It should be tendency to....; so it should be: the tendency of people to...
I'm not perfect
Yeah, i think you would get somewhere between 5.5 - 6
5.5 would be disaster, I should practice more.
good luck.