Task 2 7+

[Aky]

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view.

My response:
The issue of whether animals should be kept in captivity and zoos or not is certainly contentious one. The topic of keeping animals is debatable and divided into two sides. For those on the right who support animals should be saved in zoos will bring benefits. For those on the left who are in favor of freedom of animals will help to be more rather than extinction. There are valid arguments on both sides which I intend to examine them.

On the one hand, despite the arguments of some people that animals are in danger of illegal hunting and climate change. The vast majority of wild animals have been passing away and in cluster of hunters. In south Africa, salient example, elephants have been fading away, owing to illegal hunters. What is more, wild animals are disappearing significantly, range from lions, zebra to crocodile and birds, because of climate change. For those primary reasons, animals should be sent and kept in cages and zoos.

On the other hand, this is particularly so given the fact that those animals which are in captivity are predominantly used for business. Animals nowadays are in terms of zoos become attraction place and zoos are open for all people. Furthermore, so as to help animals from extinction, animals should be sent back to forests or their home places because wild animals will not continue to disappear if they stay and live in freedom.

To sum up, since human beings’ illegal action throughout the forests, animals are hunted and died by them. Nevertheless, some people think that even animals are in danger in which zoos become human attraction place for business but it is my personal conviction that keeping animals in captivity far outweigh sending them to the forest.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The real problem with this essay is that the two main paragraphs do not match. You state that rare animals should be in zoos, then say that they should be in the wild. Which is it?

Grammar is good despite some mistakes. The range of vocabulary appears to be good, but actually isn't used effectively.

All the best,
David

[Aky]

thank you very much
can you assess this essay with band scores
I really need it

[Flick]

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view.

My response:
The issue of whether animals should be kept in captivity and zoos or not is certainly a contentious one. The topic of keeping animals is debatable and divided into two sides. For those on the right who support animals should be saved in zoos will bring benefits.(I don't understand this sentence.) For those on the left who are in favor of freedom of animals will help to be more rather than extinction.(I don't understand this sentence.) There are valid arguments on both sides which I intend to examine.

On the one hand, animals are in danger of illegal hunting and climate change. The vast majority of wild animals have been killed due to poaching. In South Africa, for example, elephants have been fading away owing to illegal hunters. What is more, wild animals, such as lions, zebras, crocodiles and birds, are disappearing because of climate change. For those primary reasons, animals should be kept in zoos.

On the other hand, this is particularly so given the fact that those animals which are in captivity are predominantly used for business.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Animals nowadays are in terms of zoos become attraction place and zoos are open for all people.(<--Reword to: "Zoos are designed to entertain people and make money.") Furthermore, so as to help animals from extinction, animals should be sent back to forests or their home places because wild animals will not continue to disappear if they stay and live in freedom.(<--I don't understand this sentence or how it relates to the previous sentence.)

To sum up, due human beings’ illegal action throughout the world, animals are being hunted and driven to extinction. Nevertheless, some people think that animals shoudl not be kept in zoos as they are places of entertainment and business. It is my personal conviction that keeping animals in captivity far outweighs the benefits of sending them into the wild.