Please evaluate my task 2, thanks.

[tinalongmao]

Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of person's age. In workplace, there are most often decisions about being employed first place, winning promotions or being unfairly dismissed.
Should discrimination against older workers be made illegal?


As competition on labor market is getting fiecier, it is widely said that aged group is unfairly treated in terms of opportunities for employment, future development of occupation and even worsely, possibility to be fired. Therefore, claims about the age discrimination should be legislatively banned has arisen, to which, I don't agree.

Discrimination of age is an issue of morality and thus it can't be solved radically by rigid measures.

Companies require high creativity and productivity to attain more profit with limited resources as soon as possible. It is the younger generation who is more likely to meet these criteria. Though, elder people are believed with more experience, however,to survive in a fast-changing and unpredictable era, it is the ones who are energetic enough to tackle all of the possible uncertainties and more willing to take risks exploring adventures are preferable.

On the other hand, assume it is regulated as illegal, the cost of economic loss of the whole society would be much over than the bonus those senior people may benefit. To avoid breaking the law, companies have to pay bills for workers who may be not so efficient as expected. Additionally, think about what may happen if an elder is prompted to make decisions concerning changes? Suppose much more progress which should be achieved is actually put off or denied, simply because the sophisticated manager is too conservative to try.

Overall, though age discrimination is unfavorable, it can't be legislatively forbidden, since on the variable market, where the one who has no fear of risks and challenges is overwhelmingly demanded, and legislation cannot improve the utility for society as a whole.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I'll comment on each paragraph as I read through ...

Introduction - Good, but some poor word choices - treated, worsely, possibility.

I look forward to seeing you demonstrate that the next, single sentence paragraph is true.

First main paragraph - You haven't met my students! Many of them have little creativity or energy. For sure, almost all of them want 'safe' jobs rather than working for start-ups. I know they're only a fraction of the young people in the world, but my experience in Asia is that your statement is incorrect.

Second main paragraph - The first two sentences are not proven. There is a difference between firing someone because you have another person who can do a better job and firing someone just because they are old.

The second two sentences are interesting. Can we apply this to national leaders?

Conclusion - you haven't proven or even reasonably demonstrated any of your points.

Grammar is reasonable, but vocabulary is not used to create na effective argument.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of person's age. In workplace, there are most often decisions about being employed first place, winning promotions or being unfairly dismissed.
Should discrimination against older workers be made illegal?


As competition on the job market is getting fiercier, it is widely believed that workers over a certain age are unfairly treated in terms of opportunities for employment, future development, and even the possibility of being fired. Therefore, demands that age discrimination should be legislatively banned have arisen, to which I don't agree.

Age discrimination is an issue of morality and thus it can't be solved by rigid measures.

Companies require high creativity and productivity to attain more profit with limited resources as soon as possible. It is the younger generation who is more likely to meet these criteria. although older employees are believed to have more experience, to survive in a fast-changing and unpredictable era, it is the ones who are energetic enough to tackle any challenge and more willing to take risks are preferable.

On the other hand, assume it is regulated as illegal, the economic loss to the whole society would be much greater than the bonus those senior people may benefit.(<--I don't understand this sentence. What bonus? Salary?) To avoid breaking the law, companies have to pay for workers who may be as efficient as expected. Additionally, think about what may happen if an older employee is prompted to make decisions concerning changes? Suppose much more progress which should be achieved is actually put off or denied, simply because the older manager is too conservative to try.

Overall, though age discrimination is unfavorable, it can't be legislatively forbidden, since on the variable market, the one who has no fear of risks and challenges is overwhelmingly demanded, and legislation cannot improve the utility for society as a whole.