Please can you check my Wr task 2

[insaf]

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.



People have different views about, the eligibility of women to join police or army forces. Many are with the view that women are not suited for such jobs, however, I support those who believe that women should be free to choose their career.


On the one hand, many argue that women are sensitive and their feelings can sometimes affect their judgment.They believe that their emotions may interfere with the right action needed in urgent cases. For example, if a policewoman finds a crying child in a crime scene, especially If she is a mother, she may hesitate to take the appropriate response which could put herself and her colleagues in danger. They also claim women lack the physical strength to work properly in these jobs.


On the other hand, I believe that there are several reasons why women should be seen as equal candidates for men in police and army forces. Firstly, people should be accepted in any job according to their skills, qualifications and experience. If any applicant has the job specifications, he or she should be accepted regardless their gender. Secondly, police and army forces must have the diverse workforce, with employees who came from different backgrounds, ethnicity,religions and gender to gain the trust of the community.Finally, the physical strength required for such jobs can be gained by exercises.


To conclude, while there are some people find women not suitable to work in police and military services, I believe that women have proven themselves in many challenging jobs including police and army forces and they deserve to be treated with no difference from men.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, this is quite a good essay. The key issue is with the first main paragraph. What you could easily do here is add why these arguments are not (so) valid.

Grammar and vocabulary are both good, but the range of grammatical structures is a little limited.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.



People have different views about the eligibility of women to join the police or the military. Many are of the view that women are not suited for such jobs. However, I support those who believe that women should be free to choose their career.


On the one hand, many argue that women are sensitive and their feelings can sometimes affect their judgment. They believe that their emotions may interfere with the action needed in urgent cases. For example, if a policewoman finds a crying child at a crime scene, especially If she is a mother, she may hesitate to take the appropriate response which could put herself and her colleagues in danger. They also claim women lack the physical strength to meet the job's requirements.


On the other hand, I believe that there are several reasons why women should be seen as equal candidates to men in the police and armed forces. Firstly, people should be accepted in any job according to their skills, qualifications and experience. If any applicant has the job specifications, he or she should be accepted regardless their gender. Secondly, the police and armed forces should have a diverse workforce, with employees from different backgrounds, ethnicity, religions and gender to gain the trust of the community. Finally, the physical strength required for such jobs can be gained through training.


To conclude, while some people find women not suitable to work in the police or military services, I believe that women have proven themselves in many challenging jobs, including the police and armed forces and they deserve to be treated no different to men.