Please check my essay. Thanks in advance.

[Hai Yen]

Topic: Some people believe that living in big cities is becoming more difficult. Others believe that it is getting easier. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Answer
It is argued that it is becoming harder and harder for people to dwell in urban areas. While some individuals suppose that there have been no troubles for citizens who tend to settle there. I would argue that the ability to earn a living in the city is no longer challenging for people.
On the one hand, residents who live in the city will certainly encounter some challenges, especially in financial problems and pressure at work. The first problem is the increasingly higher cost of living. There is a variety of expenses that a city dweller has to pay monthly, including fees for accommodation, daily necessities and utility bills. For example, rental fee for a decent apartment in the downtown areas would be more than eight millions and expense of a normal loaf of bread may be up to twenty thousands dong. These expenses are not affordable for a normal white-collar worker or middle-income families. Another problem is that the stiffer competition in working environment may result in incredible pressure. Developing cities usually attract a large number of workers commuting from the suburban neighbors and other provinces while the economy can not provide enough jobs to meet the needs of everyone , which may lead to a significant increase in the unemployment rate and redundancy.
On the other hand, it is much more comfortable and convenient for residents to live in metropolitan areas. Firstly, people nowadays have been able to access more improved education and health care services rather than that in some decades ago. For instance, previously serious disorder can be treated in many reputable hospitals located in the cities. Secondly,there are more and more job opportunities open to people in different education backgrounds. Ordinary citizens without any qualifications can be employed as blue-collar workers, whereas qualified students can work as engineers or doctors, depending on their own abilities.
In conclusion, although there are some problems that discourage people to reside in downtown areas, it seems to me that the convenience of life in city still outweighs the difficulties that ones may encounter.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - 'It is argued ...' Who by?

First main paragraph - This makes little to no sense. I can assure you that the extent of poverty in Vietnam is not as great as you claim. I know many Vietnamese who survive on 4-5 million dong a month. Also, you should compare the cost of living to the rural areas. I'm not convinced by the argument that there is such intense competition either. You forget that many/most of the people coming from elsewhere do not have the professional skills and education required for many jobs.

Second main paragraph - You've jumped from poverty to 'comfortable and convenient' and 'improved education and health services'! And the unemployment problem has suddenly disappeared! What's going on?

Quite a lot of candidates write this kind of essay. It makes no sense, thereby losing on a) task (weak, confusing arguments), b) coherence (the writing is disjointed) and c) vocabulary (what do you mean?).

A complete rewrite is required.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Topic: Some people believe that living in big cities is becoming more difficult. Others believe that it is getting easier. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer
It is argued that it is becoming harder and harder for people to live in urban areas, while some individuals believe that there are no troubles for citizens who tend to settle there. I would argue that the ability to earn a living in the city is no longer challenging for people.

On the one hand, residents who live in the city will certainly encounter some challenges, especially in financial problems and pressure at work. The first problem is the consistently rising cost of living. There is a variety of expenses that a city dweller has to pay monthly, including fees for accommodation, daily necessities and utility bills. For example, the rental fee for a decent apartment in the downtown areas would be more than eight million(<--Eight million what? Dollars? Dong?), and a normal loaf of bread may cost up to twenty thousand dong. These expenses are not affordable for a normal white-collar worker or middle-income family. Another problem is that stiffer competition in the job market may result in incredible pressure. Developing cities usually attract a large number of workers commuting from the suburban regions and other provinces. However, the economy can not provide enough jobs to meet the needs of everyone, which may lead to a significant increase in the unemployment rate and redundancy.

On the other hand, it is much more comfortable and convenient for residents to live in metropolitan areas. Firstly, people nowadays have been able to access more improved education and health care services compared to just a few decades ago. For instance, previously serious disorders can be treated in many reputable hospitals located in cities. Secondly, there are more and more job opportunities open to people with different educational backgrounds. Ordinary citizens without any qualifications can be employed as blue-collar workers, whereas qualified students can work as engineers or doctors, depending on their own abilities.

In conclusion, although there are some problems that discourage people to reside in downtown areas, it seems to me that the convenience of life in the city still outweighs the difficulties that one may encounter.