Need help in evaluating essay

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bunni015
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Aug 16, 2013 5:11 pm

Need help in evaluating essay

Post by bunni015 »

This is not an IELTS questions but, this piece of topic I found in the sitehttp://www.plinky.com. This site is very helpful for writing. Students or aspirants who are searching for different subjects of writing, they can find here. Today's topic is

"Are you patriotic? What does being patriotic mean to you?" for this I just tried to follow the format of IELTS discussion essay. :)

History has revealed, presented and depicted about many patriot's. The word "Patriot" can be identified as and honor and awe. Every person has a trait of
patriotism within his soul. Apparently , I also have the qualities of a patriot.Patriotism doesn't mean you have to fight against the statesmen, but the quality of patriotism can be shown in many different ways.To be a patriotic, for me , I believe in serving for the nation, and propaganda about my nation's diversified culture and heritage.

Nevertheless, every citizen of the country contributes his part towards his homeland, by collaboration, cooperation, and sharing.For instance, the recent test of "Agni V" missile in India, shows how devoted the team of experts,and scientist are determined towards their experiment, and finally, came up with colors .Following,I contribute to my nation's wealth and economy, by paying taxes.

The other forms can, creating awareness about the nation and its diversified culture and heritage, this can help in attracting people from all over the world and get investments to build the infrastructure of the nation and build its prosperity.For example, the factors that contribute to this publicity can be Tourism industry, Social networking, attracting foreign investors to setup their business, considering the primitive principles of culture, and nationalism. For example, the government of Gujarat has attracted so many foreign investors to setup their firms ,this led the state to lose its identity as "A Place of Riots", instead it now known as a "Secular" state.And today, everyone knows about the patriot Mr.Narendra Modi, who made to happen this.

Finally, I am a patriot, I love my nation, and I like to serve my homeland. I am fascinated in showcasing my country's heritage and culture in all possible forms.I am sure I would see my nation "India" will be the top of the topmost nation's in the worlds history.

Regards
bunni015
Tina
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:24 pm

Re: Need help in evaluating essay

Post by Tina »

Hi Bunny , welcome to the forum . I read your para once . At my first reading , It was not very clear to me the continuity of thought process . I mean it lacks coehesion . There are multiple examples . Your point of view is not very obvious and it is difficult to interpret your main idea.There are grammatical errors too . I know its difficult . Please watch Ryans video on you tube . Rewrite as per his instructions.
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