please validate my task2

[alnour]

Part of the people thinks that competition should be promoted in children, whereas others think that teamwork, if enhanced, can become more beneficial to kids when they grow up. In my point of view, i think that both perspectives have pros and cons, but i prefer teaching children to co-operate.
Children's education is improved, when they are in a competitive environment. That is because children show their best skills whenever they feel competed by someone. For instance, this aspect can be seen at schools, by observing the children's grades monthly it can be noticed that there are some kids with improving results, due to the competition they felt from their colleagues on the previous results. In the other hand, competition can bring with it drawbacks that will effect the children's environment and habits in the near future. For example, not all of the children will improve skills when they are tested and competed. However, some just lose hope, consequently the feelings of hatred and envy would be spread, which will prevent children to interact and communicate with each other positively.
A massive method that can help children to be more useful when they are grownups, is to teach them how to co-operate. If there were no co-operation life would become difficult. In teamwork children can learn from each others and view different perspectives, either in playing, reading or solving problems, which can not be found when they are encouraged to compete, as some may hide their vies to surpass the others. Many field of working or studying in universities have the essential demand for people who can work with another effectively, it can be clear when you see all the job application requirements and the group discussions in college.
In conclusion, teaching co-operation has many benefits at all different stages of life, however competition merely has benefits in education. In real life cooperating is much useful and with much help when becoming an adult.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Many people think ...

In the first main paragraph, there is a sudden jump to 'hatred'.

In the second main paragraph, change 'co-operate/co-operation' to 'compete/competition' and there's no real difference. This suggests that your argument is weak at best.

The conclusion makes no sense. To suggest that competition has no benefits outside education simply ignores the basics of society.

Vocabulary and grammar are not used to create a coherent argument.

All the best,
David