Thank you David for evaluating my first essay, here is another one, please evaluate

[Dr.Mafdy]

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world.

What problems are associated with this?

What solutions can you suggest?


Response:



With the development of civilization, huge reduction is noted in different kinds of manual work, with the widespread of habitual reluctance in physical activity in many countries of the world. While this seems to be one of the marks of the modern world, it clearly has a devastating effect on the health of individuals. Even with the availability of gyms and sport clubs, they seem to be made use of by a relatively small number of people.

The combination of increased computer bound jobs, scarcity of manual work, and availability of easy transportation vehicles, all lead to the creation of the sedentary life style, thus many well recognized diseases develop, including high blood cholesterol levels, which in turn increases the incidence of hypertension, diabetes, ischemic heart disease and stroke, all of which could be avoided, to much big extent, with modification of lifestyle.

Although a large number of sports clubs and gyms are found in every city, sport doesn't seam to be a big deal to a lot of people. That's why I believe there is a governmental rule in guidance and encouraging people to create new lifestyle, starting from school and university ages, may be by encouraging the introduction of sport in the life of students in a more serious way, which will eventually initiate more enthusiasm towards sport, that hopefully will remain for life. Another thing is the enlightenment through media with the dangers of sedentary lifestyle, and encouraging acquiring new habits. Lastly, justful limitation of car use, and creation of pedestrian only towns, like some cities in The Netherlands, can improve individual health as much as improve the environment.

To conclude, Sedentary lifestyle is a pandemic problem world wide in modern era, and it has detrimental effects on the health of individuals and communities. The solution of this problem requires the cooperation between individuals and governments, to create new life style that would lead to a healthier individual and community.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Not such a good essay, I'm afraid ...

1. VERY long sentences (e.g. paragraph 2).

2. Some good points, but they are not developed, e.g. car use.

3. Lots of grammatical errors, some basic.

The essay is not bad, but these problems mean that the answer to the questions is superficial and sometimes it is difficult to ascertain what you mean exactly.

All the best,
David

[Dr.Mafdy]

thanks for the points

[Flick]

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world.

What problems are associated with this?

What solutions can you suggest?


Response:

With the development of civilization, a huge reduction has been seen in various kinds of manual work, with the widespread habitual reluctance to engage in physical activity in many countries of the world. While this seems to be one of the marks of the modern world, it clearly has a devastating effect on the health of individuals. Even with the availability of gyms and sport clubs, they seem to be made use of by a relatively small number of people.

The combination of increased computer-bound jobs, scarcity of manual work, and availability of easy transportation, all lead to the creation of a sedentary lifestyle. Thus, many diseases have developed, including high blood cholesterol levels, which in turn increases the incidence of hypertension, diabetes, ischemic heart disease and stroke, all of which can be avoided, to some extent, with modification of lifestyle.

Although a large number of sports clubs and gyms are found in every city, sport doesn't seem to be a big deal to a lot of people. That's why I believe there is a governmental rule in guidance and encouraging people to create new lifestyle, starting from school and university ages, may be by encouraging the introduction of sport in the life of students in a more serious way, which will eventually initiate more enthusiasm towards sport, that hopefully will remain for life.(<--I don't understand this sentence. It is too long and confusing.) Another solution is education through media discussing the dangers of a sedentary lifestyle, and encouraging acquiring new habits. Lastly, limitation of car use, and the creation of pedestrian-only towns, like some cities in the Netherlands, can improve individual health as well as improve the environment.

To conclude, a sedentary lifestyle is a pandemic problem worldwide in the modern era, and it has detrimental effects on the health of individuals and communities. The solution to this problem requires cooperation between individuals and governments to create a new lifestyle that will lead to a healthier individual and community.