pls help!! Task 1 apply the job

[rairaichan0323]

You have seen an advertisement for a weekend job as a local tour guide showing visitors around your city.

Write a letter of application to the tourism office. In letter

* give your reason for wanting the job.
* explain why you think can do the job
* describe the relevant experience

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter to you in response to your advertisement for a local tour guide. From your advertisement, I have learned that you need a guide to demonstrate the tourist spots to the tourists.

At the present, I am studying a Master’s degree in Tourism Management at Sydney University. In order to gain more relevant experiences in this industry, I would be interested in the exploring the possibility of obtaining such a position within your firm.

I grew up here and familiar with all the tourist attractions. Beside this, I am able to speak three different kinds of language which include Japanese, English and Mandarin. Also, I had 3 years’ experiences as a flight attendant at Japan Airlines and gained a great deal of experiences from it. Hence, I believe that these experiences would make me eligible to fulfill your job requirements.

Enclosed with this letter is my resume, which gives you my further detail of my working reference. Thank you for your time and consideration. I am looking forward to the opportunity to personally discuss why I am particularly suited to this position.

Yours faithfully,
Janis Lam

[allen_zhang]

My version. However, I don't like it.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing with regard to a job vacancy of your company as a tour guide, which I saw from an advertisement on Shenzhen Daily last week.

I am very interested in this job and I believe I am a perfect candidate for it. I am an undergraduate in Shenzhen University and it is my 4th year here. Since I have got most of my requested course credit, I am quite free now. That is why I am looking for a part time job as a chance to get some working experience and to broaden my horizon. I am an energetic and enthusiastic person and always love to help others, which I believe are important characters for tour guides. More importantly, I am a local resident and I have lived here for more than 20 years. I know almost everything about this city, such as history of local monuments and interesting anecdotes about many sites. In addition, I have worked as a tour guide for 2 months during my last summer holiday and I learned how to take care of tourists and how to handle emergencies.

I hope that my qualifications and experiences could impress you. I would love to hear from you if you are interested in me.

I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours faithfully,
John Smith

[andytruong1202]

You have seen an advertisement for a weekend job as a local tour guide showing visitors around your city.

Write a letter of application to the tourism office. In letter

* give your reason for wanting the job.
* explain why you think can do the job
* describe the relevant experience

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter to you in response to your advertisement for a local tour guide. From your advertisement, I have learned that you need a guide to demonstrate the tourist spots to the tourists.

At the present, I am studying a Master’s degree in Tourism Management at Sydney University. In order to gain more relevant experiences in this industry, I would be interested in the exploring the possibility of obtaining such a position within your firm.

I grew up here and familiar with all the tourist attractions. Beside this, I am able to speak three different kinds of language which include Japanese, English and Mandarin. Also, I had 3 years’ experiences as a flight attendant at Japan Airlines and gained a great deal of experiences from it. Hence, I believe that these experiences would make me eligible to fulfill your job requirements.

Enclosed with this letter is my resume, which gives you my further detail of my working reference. Thank you for your time and consideration. I am looking forward to the opportunity to personally discuss why I am particularly suited to this position.

Yours faithfully,
Janis Lam

(-)
Misuse of articles.
Some sentences are not concise.
Frequent occurrence of grammar mistakes.
Need to state more specific, i.e give more details.

(+)
Answer all the questions.
Clear paragraph
Good structure.

Overall: 6+

[andytruong1202]

My version. However, I don't like it.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing with regard to a job vacancy of your company as a tour guide, which I saw from an advertisement on Shenzhen Daily last week.

I am very interested in this job and I believe I am a perfect candidate for it. I am an undergraduate in Shenzhen University and it is my 4th year here. Since I have got most of my requested course credit, I am quite free now. That is why I am looking for a part time job as a chance to get some working experience and to broaden my horizon. I am an energetic and enthusiastic person and always love to help others, which I believe are important characters for tour guides. More importantly, I am a local resident and I have lived here for more than 20 years. I know almost everything about this city, such as history of local monuments and interesting anecdotes about many sites. In addition, I have worked as a tour guide for 2 months during my last summer holiday and I learned how to take care of tourists and how to handle emergencies.

I hope that my qualifications and experiences could impress you. I would love to hear from you if you are interested in me.

I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours faithfully,
John Smith

(-)
Misuse of prepositions.
Need more details of what you're studying.
Not strong reason.
A few grammar mistakes.
The body paragraph should be split into 2: 1st: who are you and why you apply for this job ; 2nd: what's your experience, and why you're qualified for this job.

(+)
Good details on how you can guide the tourists.
Answer all the questions.

Overall: 6+ - 6.5

[chaiguy]

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter in response to your advertisement (Where was this advertisement? The local newspaper? If so, name the paper and also the day it was released). From this notice, I see that you are in need of someone to show local visitors around the local tourist spots and famous landmarks.

I am currently studying a Master’s Degree in Tourism Management at Sydney University. In order to gain more relevant experience in the industry, I would be very interested in obtaining such a position within your firm.

I grew up here (where is 'here'?) so I'm familiar with all the local tourist attractions. Furthermore, I am able to speak three different languages: Japanese, English and Mandarin. In addition to this, I have 3 years’ experience as a flight attendant at Japan Airlines which has allowed me to improve my ability to work with people from all regions and backgrounds. With all this behind me, I strongly believe that I would make a fantastic candidate who would fulfil your job requirements.

Enclosed with this letter is my resume, which gives you further details of my working references.

Thank you for your time and your consideration. I look forward to reading your reply.

Yours faithfully, (Add a gap here to separate your sign off and your name)

Janis Lam

I would also include more personal reasons as to why you'd like the role. For example, you could include your 'passion for history and famous landmarks' or possibly your 'love for history as well as your pride for the local town'.