I have exam this Saturday. This is my essay task 2 (general). Could you please evaluate it. Thank you!

[RangeScorpio]

Task 2
Write about the following topic:
In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with
other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes
the government has to pay for this care.
Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from
your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

And this is my essay:

In the twenty first century it is undeniable fact that old persons should get full and attentive care. However, it is argued who must pay for this service. Many are sure that government have to support the old ages of its citizens, on the other hand others insist that family must carry out all payments. The truth is usually in the middle, and this will be shown by analyzing two typical situations.

Firstly, it is rather common condition, when family does not have enough money to afford worthy level of environment and services. Take, for example, poor new immigrant’s family or, moreover, the situation when old person has no relatives left. In this case, which I often notice in Russia, it is obvious, that government must play the role of savior.

Secondly, situation may be completely opposite, and grandparent could have big and wealthy family. Thus, his family has much wider resources to create the best possible environment for him. Such private care conditions are often much better, then average service, supported by government that should share its finances between everybody equally. The importance of this aspect could be easily illustrated by situation in Russia, where government always tries to divide small part of its permanently poor budget between growing number of old-aged people.

After analyzing these two examples, it is clear that decision about who should pay for care depends on circumstances. While the family is wealthy, it can and have to support its elders. If there is no family at all or it has lack of money, then officials must help. Nevertheless, it is hoped that in the future every old man will be cared by his own beloved family without any government support.



Thank you very much!

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay with a clear opinion. Ideas are valid and developed to some extent. I think that the first main paragraph in particular could be better developed. Organisation is clear with good use of connectives. There is a good range of vocabulary and grammar and not too many mistakes.

Not bad at all! Well done!
David