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Pls check my essay ! Whether the structure is good. Looking forward to receiving your feedback !!!
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wangyue6662010
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2017 4:49 pm
Pls check my essay ! Whether the structure is good. Looking forward to receiving your feedback !!!
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 1371
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am
Re: Pls check my essay ! Whether the structure is good. Looking forward to receiving your feedback !!!
Hello!
Overall, a reasonable essay. There are plenty of grammatical errors, but the range is reasonable and the essay can be understood.
However, your points are not well-developed. The points are valid, as far as I'm concerned, but you don't do well at distinguishing which are more likely (in your opinion) than others and why. For example, you say that kids spend 'adequate' time in school. What does that mean? If they also spend 'adequate' time at home, but watch TV, does that have the same effect? What about other school subjects?
All the best,
David
Overall, a reasonable essay. There are plenty of grammatical errors, but the range is reasonable and the essay can be understood.
However, your points are not well-developed. The points are valid, as far as I'm concerned, but you don't do well at distinguishing which are more likely (in your opinion) than others and why. For example, you say that kids spend 'adequate' time in school. What does that mean? If they also spend 'adequate' time at home, but watch TV, does that have the same effect? What about other school subjects?
All the best,
David
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wangyue6662010
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2017 4:49 pm
Re: Pls check my essay ! Whether the structure is good. Looking forward to receiving your feedback !!!
David.IELTS.Examiner wrote:Hello!
Overall, a reasonable essay. There are plenty of grammatical errors, but the range is reasonable and the essay can be understood.
However, your points are not well-developed. The points are valid, as far as I'm concerned, but you don't do well at distinguishing which are more likely (in your opinion) than others and why. For example, you say that kids spend 'adequate' time in school. What does that mean? If they also spend 'adequate' time at home, but watch TV, does that have the same effect? What about other school subjects?
All the best,
David
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wangyue6662010
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2017 4:49 pm
Re: Pls check my essay ! Whether the structure is good. Looking forward to receiving your feedback !!!
wangyue6662010 wrote:David.IELTS.Examiner wrote:Hello!
Overall, a reasonable essay. There are plenty of grammatical errors, but the range is reasonable and the essay can be understood.
However, your points are not well-developed. The points are valid, as far as I'm concerned, but you don't do well at distinguishing which are more likely (in your opinion) than others and why. For example, you say that kids spend 'adequate' time in school. What does that mean? If they also spend 'adequate' time at home, but watch TV, does that have the same effect? What about other school subjects?
All the best,
David
Thanks, David. Yes, I also almost got why my writing is unclear by my recent studies. I will show better essay with good structure at next topic's writing. Again, I appreciate your feedback.
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