Writing Task 01: Please evaluate my writing posted below

[joyrucha]

Hi,
Please find my evaluate below posted writing, I request you to please evaluate my writing on band score (IELTS Bands)
Thank you for your help in advance.

Rucha.
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Writing Task 01
(Question in the attachment)

Answer
The graph illustrates no. of males and females that have taken up further education in Britian. A consistent growth is observed in the no. of females taking up part-time education as an option.

Almost 30 percent increase observed in 1990/91 compared to preceding years, a considerable growth observed in full-time education choice. Whereas in-case of males choice of studying part-time has been deceased in year 1990/91, about 15 percent decrease was observed. More over males are inclined towards full-time education with steady growth from 1970/71.

Because of awareness and understanding need of education approximately 25 percent more women are taking up for part-time compared to males in 1990/91, whereas totally contradicting scenario was observed in year 1970/71. The ratio if males and females choosing full-time education in 1990/91 is almost same. Whereas in 1980/81 no major difference was observed in people taking education in Britian, whether part-time or full-time course.

We can conclude, women are more inclined towards educating themselves than males.
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#posted by Rucha on 08.02.2017 @ 03:40pm

[Flick]

Answer
The graph illustrates the number of males and females that have taken up further education in Britain between 1970 and 1991. A consistent growth is observed in the number of females taking up part-time education as an option.

Almost 30 percent increase observed in 1990/91 compared to preceding years, a considerable growth observed in full-time education choice.(<--Where did 30% come from?) However, in the case of males, the choice to study part-time has dropped from 1,000,000in 1970/71, to about 850,000 by 1990/91. Moreover, males are inclined towards full-time education with steady growth from 1970/71.

Because of awareness and understanding the need for education, approximately 25 percent more women are taking up for part-time compared to males in 1990/91, whereas totally contradicting scenario was observed in year 1970/71.(<--Why are you using percentages? The graph is using numbers.) The ratio of males and females choosing full-time education in 1990/91 is almost equal at around 200,000. Whereas in 1980/81, no major difference was observed in people taking education in Britain, whether part-time or full-time course.(<--I don't understand this sentence. There is a large difference in the numbers.)

We can conclude that women are more inclined towards educating themselves than males.