Kindly , give me feedback on my task <3

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Elseady2014
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:12 pm

Kindly , give me feedback on my task <3

Post by Elseady2014 »

Raising up children as good members of society has been a controversial debate throughout history with strong and motive argument presented on both sides , while some people think it is a duty of their parents , others believe that it is a school mission to teach children to be good members of society. Both sides will be discussed in this essay

Undoubtedly , the most valuable parenthood' duty is providing society with good educated generation , Children at their first years of life always take their parents as role models and frequently imitate them in their actions so it is the responsibility of parents to carefully look after their children and teach them how to be good citizens . For instance , once i was a child my father always was keen to do some of his work and prayers everyday in front of my eyes to instil these good manners into my mind passively and as a result it became a strict rule in my life to keep doing my prayers and duties daily . As this example shows it is clear that parents have a major participation in introducing good members to society

On the other hand , many people argue that schools have the great role in teaching children and they are logically right due to the long hours children spend daily at their schools so schools have a better chance to teach and instruct them , also it is scientifically proved that children learn better when they are surrounded by friends of their age , additionally , governments nowadays apply qualified protocols and community standards to be included in the curriculum of education to instil good manners and behaviours into child's mind

In conclusion , serving society with good members is a mixed duty of parents and schools and it is recommend to maintain a well cooperation between.
Raising children.jpg
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David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Kindly , give me feedback on my task <3

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

Overall a good essay. Points are clear and developed with good grammar and vocabulary. I don't like the 'it is recommend[ed]' in the conclusion - who is recommending this? The big mistake is that the conclusion does not contain your clear opinion (see previous remark!).

All the best,
David
Elseady2014
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:12 pm

Re: Kindly , give me feedback on my task <3

Post by Elseady2014 »

thank you a million for your valuable feedback <3
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Flick
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Re: Kindly , give me feedback on my task <3

Post by Flick »

Elseady2014 wrote: Sat Mar 04, 2017 10:32 am Raising children to be good members of society has been a controversial debate throughout history, with strong and emotive argument presented on both sides. While some people think it is a duty of their parents, others believe that it is a school mission to teach children to be good members of society. Both sides will be discussed in this essay.

Undoubtedly, the most valuable parenthood duty is providing society with a well-educated generation. Children in their first years of life always look up to their parents as role models and frequently imitate them in their actions, so it is the responsibility of parents to carefully look after their children and teach them how to be good citizens. For instance, when I was a child, my father was always keen to do some of his work and prayers everyday in front of me to instil these good manners into my mind passively. As a result, it became a strict rule in my life to keep doing my prayers and duties daily. As this example shows, it is clear that parents have a major role in creating good members of society.

On the other hand, many people argue that schools have the main role in teaching children and they should be expected to instruct the children due to the long hours children spend daily at their schools. Also, it is scientifically proven that children learn better when they are surrounded by friends their age. Additionally, governments nowadays insist qualified protocols and community standards are included in the school curriculum to instil good manners and behaviours into childrens' minds.

In conclusion, serving society with good members is a mixed duty of parents and schools, and it is recommend to maintain cooperation between both for the best success.

Raising children.jpg
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