Kindly evaluate my Task 2 essay. Thanks!

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
Post Reply
padmanabhan.r90
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2017 4:17 pm

Kindly evaluate my Task 2 essay. Thanks!

Post by padmanabhan.r90 »

Topic:
The Growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in a effort to deal withthe health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


The increasing number of overweight people has become a major concern, and it is believed to be the primary reason for the rise in the number of health issues seen recently. The health care system has been struggling to cope up with them, and some people think that this problem can be addressed by including physical education lessons in school. In my opinion, inclusion of sports and fitness exercises in schools will deal with the problem of obesity and the increasing number of diseases at its grass roots level.

Firstly, schools should teach children the importance of sports and exercise, and help them realize the health benefits they can reap from including exercise in their daily lives. They should be made to understand the risks of being obese and the diseases caused by it. Sports should be made mandatory, and all children should be asked to participate in it every day ensuring that children are involved in more physical activity. This has been implemented in many schools in South Asia. Take, for example, in India, sports education was made mandatory in all schools few years back and this saw a 50% reduction in the number of children falling ill. It is, thus, beyond doubt that physical activity can help one stay healthy.

Secondly, children who are physically active in school will tend to be physically active in their homes as well. This will create a positive atmosphere in their homes and will encourage their parents too to get involved in some sport or exercise. Thus, the entire family will be discouraged from leading an otherwise sedentary lifestyle, and this will naturally lead to improved health.

To conclude, it can be clearly understood that inclusion of sports in the school curriculum will not only benefit the children but also their family members. Imparting knowledge to next generation on the importance of exercise is the key to battling all the health issues.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
Posts: 1371
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Kindly evaluate my Task 2 essay. Thanks!

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

The introduction is longer than the second main paragraph.

The first main paragraph is very good.

I count five 'wills' in the second main paragraph - none of which is supported by evidence.

So, we have half a very good essay and half a mediocre one.

The range of grammatical structures is limited (conditionals).

Overall, quite good, but could easily be improved.

All the best,
David
padmanabhan.r90
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2017 4:17 pm

Re: Kindly evaluate my Task 2 essay. Thanks!

Post by padmanabhan.r90 »

Thanks for the feedback David!
Post Reply