I need your feedback in Task 2 essay!

[Aky]

Task 2 : some people think that governments should take measure to improve the healthy lifestyle of individuals. Others thin it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

My answer:

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether governments or individuals should be in charge of coming with solutions to improve the healthy lifestyle of people in the society. This continues to be a contentious topic in many countries, and there are valid arguments and examples on the both sides of issue. This essay will discuss both them before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, supporters who are in favor of the governments point to the healthy lifestyle of individuals should be controlled and taken possible remedies by the government itself. Taking potential measures to improve public health require a large amount of money. For example, experts might be involved in this process and they require financial support for researching purposes. However, it is something that individuals are unable to provide. Thus, this makes it clear that this is governments’ role to take responsibility.

Conversely, it is often said that governments do not need to be involved in this process. It is commonly understood that individuals’ healthy life style are important for themselves so that they can improve public health without a need of the governments. Furthermore, there are many approaches as well as solutions to improve public health such as taking part in sport center or eating natural diet. For example, individuals can go to gym and yoga classes in order to improve their health. Therefore, this makes it clear that individuals themselves need to take responsibility of improving their health.

In conclusion, some people believe that governments have a crucial role to play in this process, whereas others say that it is only individuals’ business. However, it is my personal conviction that government is needed in this situation and this might help to improve the public health.
(294 words)
Author: Aky
04.06.2017

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

You haven't really explained why you hold the opinion expressed in the conclusion.

The language used in the two main paragraphs does not express exact meaning. You say that it is the government's responsibility, then you say it the individual's. Which one is it? (You haven't used key words like 'mainly', 'partly', 'generally' to express precise meaning.

There is a limited range of structures (still no conditionals - regular readers of my posts will note that I have been saying this for months!!!). Vocabulary looks good at first sight, but actually is not used to convey much meaning.

Overall, an average essay.

All the best,
David

[Aky]

Hi !

Thank you very much for your feedback !!!!

Actually, this is Discussion essay, meaning that I discussed Government's and individual's responsibility in two paragraphs and in conclusion said "it is my personal conviction that Government is needed in this situation..." is it my opinion ?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Aky,
Sorry for the late reply. In the conclusion you say that you think it is up to the government (fair enough - no problem) but you don't say why NOT the individual. The money argument doesn't really work, because many people can afford healthy food or even gym membership. On YouTube there are plenty of videos showing you how to exercise at no or little cost ...
All the best,
David

[Flick]

Task 2 : some people think that governments should take measure to improve the healthy lifestyle of individuals. Others thin it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

My answer:

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether governments or individuals should be in charge of coming up with solutions to improve the lifestyle of people in the society. This continues to be a contentious topic in many countries, and there are valid arguments and examples on the both sides of the issue. This essay will discuss both viewpoints before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, some people feel if is the government's responsibility to control and improve citizen's lifestyles. Taking potential measures to improve public health requires a large amount of money. For example, experts might be involved in this process and they require financial support for researching purposes. However, this is something that individuals are unable to provide. Thus, this makes it clear that it is the governments’ role to take responsibility.

Conversely, it is often said that governments do not need to be involved in this process. It is commonly understood that an individuals’ lifestyle is important for themselves, so they can improve their health without a need of government intervention. Furthermore, there are many individual approaches to improve public health, such as taking part in a sport or eating a natural diet. For example, individuals can go to the gym or take yoga classes in order to improve their health. Therefore, this makes it clear that individuals, themselves, need to take responsibility for improving their health.

In conclusion, some people believe that governments have a crucial role to play in this process, whereas others say that it is only the individuals’ business. However, it is my personal conviction that government help is needed in this situation and this might help to improve public health.
(294 words)
Author: Aky
04.06.2017

[Aky]

thank you very much FLICK